This happens to me a lot.
Like, a LOT a lot. Enough that this might become another topic I return to when I can’t think of anything else to write.
Let’s take a gander at what commercials have been pissing me off lately:
Liquid Plumr Double Impact Commercial:So, in this commercial, some lady at the grocery store has a fantasy about two hunks coming to her house to sexily assist her in unclogging a drain.
Time out: have any of these people ever actually unclogged a drain before?
They’re picturing this:
A beautiful woman uses a fancy tool to unclog a drain while two handsome studs watch lustily.
But the reality (at least at our house) looks a lot more like this:
A beautiful woman uses chopsticks and a rubber glove to pull a giant, wet, shampoo-filled hairball out of the drain while a handsome stud -- who happens to be a COMBAT MEDIC -- gags into the toilet.
(Seriously: Jesse could stitch up a spurting artery without batting an eye … but de-hairing a drain makes him gag to the point of nearly throwing up.)
Call me crazy, but I just don't think there is anything sexy about this.
Education Connection Commercial starring Shannen Doherty:
In this commercial, former Beverly Hills 90210 star Shannen Doherty endorses a cheesy online university program. Wherever you’re sitting right now – that could be your classroom!!!
Okay … trying to be as diplomatic as possible: I do not find this to be realistic:
I picture something more like …
Thanks anyway, though, Education Connection.(to be fair, according to The Interwebz Shannen Doherty has never had a drug problem. But whenever I see washed-up celebrities on TV hucking random shit, I figure they’re just trying to save up for more crack)
Bounty Paper Towels Commercial:
I don’t have a link for this because I don’t need one. Every paper towel commercial is the same:
1 – some family member, either a husband, small child, or a dog, does something stupid and makes an alarmingly horrifying mess
2 – wife/mother reacts calmly, smiling and cleaning up the entire mess
Whoa, save it for the jury, lady.
In some variations of this commercial, the small child/dog makes a brand new mess the instant Mom finishes cleaning up the first one.
Now, I am not a mother and I don’t have a dog. But I am a wife, and I am married to a man who makes large messes quite often. So I can say with a fair degree of certainty and based on a fair amount of experience that those commercials make no sense. Here’s how these things tend to go in OUR house:
I mean, come on, right?!
Carl’s Jr. Burger Commercial:
In this commercial, some hot bitches make a pulled pork burger, then look longingly into each other's eyes and wrap arms to take a bite.
QUIT TRYING TO MAKE HAMBURGERS SEXY, CARL'S JR.
THEY AREN’T SEXY.
They are, however, delicious.
Now I want one.