Blog Archive

Friday, November 9, 2012

Commercials that don't make any sense

You know that feeling you get when you’re watching a TV commercial and all of a sudden you’re like ‘wait, what the FUCK?!’ because whatever’s happening in the commercial has absolutely no relation to what would happen in real life?

This happens to me a lot.
Like, a LOT a lot. Enough that this might become another topic I return to when I can’t think of anything else to write.
Let’s take a gander at what commercials have been pissing me off lately:

Liquid Plumr Double Impact Commercial:
So, in this commercial, some lady at the grocery store has a fantasy about two hunks coming to her house to sexily assist her in unclogging a drain.

Time out: have any of these people ever actually unclogged a drain before?
They’re picturing this:
A beautiful woman uses a fancy tool to unclog a drain while two handsome studs watch lustily.

But the reality (at least at our house) looks a lot more like this:
A beautiful woman uses chopsticks and a rubber glove to pull a giant, wet, shampoo-filled hairball out of the drain while a handsome stud -- who happens to be a COMBAT MEDIC -- gags into the toilet.

(Seriously: Jesse could stitch up a spurting artery without batting an eye … but de-hairing a drain makes him gag to the point of nearly throwing up.)

Call me crazy, but I just don't think there is anything sexy about this.


Education Connection Commercial starring Shannen Doherty:

In this commercial, former Beverly Hills 90210 star Shannen Doherty endorses a cheesy online university program. Wherever you’re sitting right now – that could be your classroom!!!

Okay … trying to be as diplomatic as possible: I do not find this to be realistic:

I picture something more like …

Thanks anyway, though, Education Connection.
(to be fair, according to The Interwebz Shannen Doherty has never had a drug problem. But whenever I see washed-up celebrities on TV hucking random shit, I figure they’re just trying to save up for more crack)

Bounty Paper Towels Commercial:

I don’t have a link for this because I don’t need one. Every paper towel commercial is the same:
1 – some family member, either a husband, small child, or a dog, does something stupid and makes an alarmingly horrifying mess
2 – wife/mother reacts calmly, smiling and cleaning up the entire mess
Whoa, save it for the jury, lady.

In some variations of this commercial, the small child/dog makes a brand new mess the instant Mom finishes cleaning up the first one.

Now, I am not a mother and I don’t have a dog. But I am a wife, and I am married to a man who makes large messes quite often. So I can say with a fair degree of certainty and based on a fair amount of experience that those commercials make no sense. Here’s how these things tend to go in OUR house:

 I mean, come on, right?!

Carl’s Jr. Burger Commercial:
(not the one I made fun of in Gremlins – a different, equally grotesque commercial found here)
In this commercial, some hot bitches make a pulled pork burger, then look longingly into each other's eyes and wrap arms to take a bite.



They are, however, delicious.

Now I want one.



  1. Hopefully I don't ruin this one for a future post, but how about the Lowe's commercial where the cute young couple with seemingly NO remodeling/construction experience do an entire remodel of their kitchen including knocking down a whole wall together.

    I'm sorry, where did you find the time to make enough money for this remodel while learning how to perform it alone and not causing electrocution and death to your entire neighborhood?? I'VE WATCHED ENOUGH HGTV TO KNOW HOW MANY EFFING THINGS WOULD GO WRONG IF YOUR DUMB WIFE JUST TOOK A SLEDGEHAMMER TO YOUR KITCHEN WALL.

    1. I forgot to mention they also found the time to learn modern dance and perform it during the remodel...

    2. They probably learned it all online, right from the toilet!

  2. One other thing about the paper towel commercial that really bothers me; the mother can clean up the enter mess with ONE paper towel. I have tried to replicate it, but ummmm yeah not happening.

    1. To be honest, though, "what is the lower number of paper towels I can use to successfully clean up this mess" is a pretty fun game.
      A game I usually lose.

      Jesse refuses to even play. He just goes straight for the actual towels, while shouting "DON'T COME IN HERE!" to me as I screech to find out what disaster he's caused this time.