Our house is haunted by the lamest ghost ever

When Jesse and I arrived to move into our new rental house, the ladies in the leasing office really dropped a bomb on us.

We literally had the moving truck parked outside, and our lease was in the process of being spit out of the printer, when one of them goes, “oh, by the way, I don’t know if this is a problem for you, but someone killed himself in your house about three years ago.”

And then she just stared at us and waited for us to react.

I mean, what the eff? What do you say to that?? I stared at her in slack-jawed shock for a second, then finally stuttered “well, is it haunted?”  Because really, that’s the only reason we’d care that someone killed himself in the house. That, or maybe if he’d killed himself because the house was so awful … which seemed pretty unlikely so I decided not to ask.

The lady said that as far as they knew, the house wasn't haunted, and they’d had it blessed recently just in case. So we decided that we’d take our chances with the spooks, and signed the lease and moved in that afternoon.

I would have been a lot more cautious if this was a multiple-murder house or something – murdered ghosts are usually out for revenge and I wanted no part in that. But I wasn’t really too worried about this house being haunted. After all, most people commit suicide because they’re sad and depressed, not because they’re filled with homicidal rage so extreme that their reign of terror will continue beyond their death.

But Jesse and I have certainly seen enough movies to know that ghosts are not something you can just blithely wish away. Nothing will get you poltergeisted faster than announcing “I DON’T BELIEVE IN GHOSTS!” So we keep an eye out for any signs of haunting, no matter how small. And we’ve come to the conclusion that our house is haunted, but by the lamest ghost of all time. Here are some of the things our ghost does to make his presence known:

He Makes Small Noises in the Night

Could it have been the neighbors? Maybe.

Could it have been the ice maker? Almost certainly.

Or … could it be … A GHOST?!?!?!

DING DING DING DING DING! WE HAVE A WINNER!

He Opens the Freezer Door Slightly

Could it be that I put too much stuff in the freezer, so even though it sealed when I shut it, it managed to pop itself back open a minute later? Yes, it could easily be that.

Or … could it be … A GHOST??!?!?!

Really a dick move, ghost. That ice maker is slow as hell, so we can’t afford to throw away all that ice and just make more. So instead Jesse has to hit it with a hammer.

He Flashes Around Your Peripheral Vision Randomly and Annoyingly

You just saw movement in your peripheral vision. Was it your imagination? A bug? A stray hair? YOUR OWN SHADOW???

Or … could it be … A GHOST!?!?!?!?

I’m going to start leaving a Scrabble board all set up on the dining room table. Maybe a good game of Scrabble will keep the ghost occupied.

At least then Jesse wouldn’t have to hit the ice with a hammer.

And it's okay, Mr. Ghost. I didn't think "stupider" was a word either. But it is. Go figure.


Mr. Ghost's adventures continue here