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Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Toilet paper etiquette

Yes, there is such a thing as toilet paper etiquette.

I'm not talking about the way you actually use the toilet paper -- that's between you and your God.

But as far as actual bathroom TP protocol, you'd best believe there are rules and if you want people to like you, you'd better follow them.

First off, if I can't reach a new roll of TP from the can, YOU FAIL. That doesn't just mean that you stupidly keep your extra rolls in the kitchen pantry or something (seriously, who DOES that? what is WRONG with you?!) ... this rule also falls on those people who keep the extra rolls in the cabinet that is too far to reach.

We had this problem when we moved into our new house. There wasn't really anywhere else to put the rolls except under the sink, which was unacceptably far. So I invented the TPyramid and everything was fixed:

The TPyramid is both attractive and functional. It tells your guests "hey, use as much as you want! I've got a whole extra pyramid of TP just lying around." They don't feel any stress when the roll starts to get low, because BOOM, a whole pyramid of extra paper, mere inches away.

This, however, brings me to the second rule of TP etiquette: WHAT THE HELL, UPSIDE-DOWN ROLL?!?!?
This is the correct way to put on a new roll.
Whereas this makes me wonder just what exactly your parents did to you.
And in case that wasn't clear, here are the side views:

We had some people over this past Saturday night, and I'm not going to name names or anything, but a certain SOMEONE changed out the roll and put the new one on upside down. It irritates me every time I use the downstairs bathroom. Granted, it would take me all of one second to flip it over, but I've decided to be a martyr on this one. I am going to see this roll through, all 200 upside-down sheets of it.

And now for the final rule of TP etiquette: CRUSH THE SPENT ROLL, DUMBASS.

Jesse always messes this one up (in the rare case that he actually changes out the roll instead of just starting a new one and setting it on top of the old one) (okay actually he's gotten a lot better on this one, but my brother never changes out the roll. This is really my fault, because we shared a bathroom growing up and I spoiled him and my sister by always being the one to put the new roll on the dispenser thingie. I bet they both now think it happens by magic on its own).

Oh yeah, so crushing the old roll. The garbage can in the bathroom is small. And when it's full, someone has to take the bag alllll the way downstairs and bring a new bag alllll the way back upstairs.

SO WHY THE FLAMING EFF WOULD YOU FILL THE WHOLE THING WITH NON-CRUSHED TOILET PAPER ROLLS THAT ARE 95% EMPTY SPACE???? That's just wasteful! Incidentally, I also get mad when people don't at least partially crush cans before putting them in the recycling. That recycling doesn't empty itself, people. The smaller you make the cans, the longer it takes to fill it up, so the longer you can procrastinate on taking it outside.

One of these days, I'm just going to snap and dump the whole garbage over Jesse while he's in bed. Except there's, like, used Q-tips in there so that would be gross. Jesse, from now on, please smush down the TP rolls before throwing them away.

Otherwise, we may end up with used Q-tips in the bed and it would be your fault.
Don't you make me do it.


  1. No - don't crush the TP rolls!! They make great pet toys, keeps the FonGoose entertained for hours! Maybe Mr. Pants would like them? PPV

    1. Haha if toilet paper rolls keep the fongoose distracted from SAVAGELY ATTACKING PEOPLE then I guess you can keep leaving them un-crushed! Haha what a funny little rascal of a dog.