When you feel like ill-wishing -- DO THIS.

You know that feeling when you're mad at someone or some generalized group of people, and you find yourself ill-wishing them? Y'know, something like "Grrrr, I hate all the people who get to wear sweatpants to work! I wish they would all just [insert awful fate here]!"

Usually, I'll find myself saying something really mean and horrible, just because that's what pops into my head. "Sally ate the cookie that looked just like President Truman? But SHE HEARD ME CALL DIBS ON IT!!! Stupid Sally; I hope she gets eyeball cancer!"

And then I feel really bad as soon as I say it, because eyeball cancer is no laughing matter. What if she really did get eyeball cancer? What if she died from it?

I DON'T WANT THAT ON MY CONSCIENCE.

So from now on, whenever I feel like ill-wishing, here's how it's going to go:

See, it's the perfect punishment! Nobody's actually going to get hurt by falling off the toilet ... but it's still really humiliating and will definitely let that person know that something they've done or some bit of luck they've profited from has DEEPLY OFFENDED ME.

You get to eat Chipotle while I'm stuck eating leftover split pea soup that could use more salt but I don't have any with me? I HOPE YOU FALL OFF THE TOILET.

You're on a super awesome vacation to Hawaii while I'm having a colonoscopy from a really shady doctor who insists I call him by his first name? I HOPE YOU FALL OFF THE TOILET.

YOU GET TO WEAR SWEATPANTS TO WORK? I HOPE YOU FALL OFF THE EFFING TOILET YOU LOUT!

I LOVE WEARING SWEATPANTS.

I HOPE YOU'RE IN MID-POOP WHEN IT HAPPENS.

And if you get eyeball cancer suddenly, it wasn't me. I'm only responsible for those toilet tumbles.

Especially the mid-poop ones.

 

J