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Monday, December 31, 2012

At least you didn't have to switch faces with John Travolta

The best way to make someone feel better when they're down about something is to point out all the ways it could have been worse.*

*this is actually the worst approach possible

Specifically, I think it's best to point out all the movie plots that could have happened to them but didn't. Then they'll gain some perspective because ummmm, you think YOU'RE having a bad day?! How do you think those guys in the K-19 Widowmaker felt when Harrison Ford kept making them get radiation poisoning??? Yeah, now you feel like a jerk for ever complaining.

When someone Is sick:
Hell yeah you're lucky! That movie did NOT have a happy ending!

When someone is having minor surgery:

Going to the hospital always sucks. It is usually expensive, boring, takes time away from your regular life, and usually means you're feeling like shit, too.

But -- if your minor surgery seems bad, just remember --

Neither one of these faces would be particularly flattering on my body, actually.

Also, can we just talk about that movie again for a minute? Nic Cage gets his face stolen, and he wakes up alone in a room and is like "wait, where's my face?!" but luckily there is John Travolta's face sitting nearby so he grabs it and sews it onto himself and then he goes and lives with John Travolta's wife and she doesn't even notice?

Then I see on the news that the first successful full face transplant just happened this year. Well, what the hell took them so long? What a bunch of idiots those doctors must have been. A full team of doctors takes hours and hours to do this complicated surgery when Nic Cage was able to just sew someone else's face onto his own face-hole in a few minutes MAX and boom, he's right as rain.

If Nic Cage can do it, it can't be that hard.

When someone gets their credit card stolen:



When someone gets a speeding ticket:


Any other possible situation:

Yeah. I think that movie even tops the American Dad episode where Roger is an evil villain trying to make the whole world cry to death with a movie about a retarded Jewish boy during the Holocaust who gets a puppy but then the puppy dies of cancer and so he becomes an alcoholic until they are all murdered by the Nazis. The movie was titled "Oscar Gold." It's like they could smell Precious coming.

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