Blog Archive

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

PP's Animal Kingdom!

I promised ridiculous and funny after yesterday's less-than-hilarious comic summarizing all the arguments for and against gun control (which I'm still glad I did, because it's quite the handy reference guide).

Well, feast your eyes on the wonders of Patent's Patented Animal Kingdom!

We begin our tour with this fascinating display of interspecies compassion. Here, we have a human baby that has apparently been abandoned in the jungles of the Congo. The baby was then adopted by a hideous gorilla with terrifyingly misshapen eye sockets. I think this baby has a bright future:

And the gorilla's peg-leg is hardly noticeable!

If that wasn't interesting enough for you, may I direct your attention to our next exhibit. This picture was taken by nature photographers who were trapped on the Sahara after a shipwreck. They were sold as slaves to the desert nomads, and wandered the Sahara with their captors for over a year before finally returning to their homes and families. During their enslavement, they were able to capture this shocking photo of a baby alligator riding a camel. Look what fun he's having!

This was the rarely-seen three-legged transsexual camel, with a giant throat-thing, long eyelashes, and a total lack of genitalia.

If you thought THAT was cool, just wait until you see this next shot. Words cannot even describe the majesty of this image, captured by some guy with an iPhone in the Florida Everglades. Scientists don't yet know how the camel became miniaturized, but they're hoping to harness this technology and put it to use in the fight against cancer:

Scientists are also unclear as to the exact nature of the alligator's retardation. Some still insist that he's just really, really drunk.

The next photo we have here is truly a window into just what animals do when we aren't looking. This image was captured by a surveillance camera aimed at the tennis courts of the Local Highbrow Gated Community. The cameras were intended to catch young hoodlums and vandals in the act of defacing the Community's tennis courts, but what they caught was so strange even they had trouble believing it:

A wall-eyed mallard playing tennis with a turtle?! Amazing!!!!!

Our next stop on the tour takes us to one of Mother Nature's harsher realities. Unlike us humans, animals have no qualms about doing some seriously messed-up things. Please avert your gaze if you are of weak stomach -- this next photo shows a crazed bunny-rabbit making non-consensual love to a dead crow:

The laws of the jungle, ladies and gentlemen.

If you found that last picture hard to look at, rest assured that the next one will make you feel much better. Here, the dead crow's comrades mete out some well-deserved justice!

DUDE. Those crows look PISSED.

I won't show you the aftermath, but let's just say, things did not end well for the bunny-rabbit. Specifically, for his intestines.

Wanting to end on a bright note, however, I will leave you with the following glowing image of hope -- Nature's great reminder that we all have the potential to be beautiful and great; to spread our wings and fly. In this shot, a snake has just emerged from its cocoon, where it spent months transforming ...

Into the amazing Snakerfly!
They're so lovely, and they contribute to the circle of life by pollinating the flowers in my garden! I do so love these amazing creatures.
Really hate it when they get in the house, though.
This has been a presentation of Patent's Patented Animal Kingdom. All Rights Reserved.
Snakerfly, yo.

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