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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

The rules of sweatpants

You want to wear sweatpants out of the house, don't you. DON'T YOU! I know you do. We all do.

But this isn't 'Nam, guys. There are rules. Our entire society is held together by a social contract we've all quietly agreed to abide by. And part of that contract governs the wearing of sweatpants in public.

Here are the rules, as best as I've cobbled them together in my 27 years of sweatpants-wearing:

Are You Sick? Then Sweatpants are A-Okay

When you're sick, all you want to do is lie on the couch watching entire seasons of shows on Netflix, occasionally accidentally napping through five or six episodes straight. Your food is all provided by the microwave,and when the UPS guy comes to the door (which is twenty feet from the couch you've set up on), you're too lazy to cover the distance so you hide under your blanket and hope he can't see you through the side window.

Having to leave the house under these conditions is an affront in itself. Having to do so while wearing normal clothes is just plain asking too much. If you're on a Sudafed-and-orange-juice run to the local Rite Aid, feel free to do it in sweats. Plus, you'll look more pathetic and maybe you'll get a little sympathy from that cute cashier.
You're not gonna make this fella wear pants, are you???!

Is it Between the Hours of 11PM and 7AM? Then Sweatpants are Sweet!

Only lunatics, criminals, and druggies are out in the world in the middle of the night. I speak for all of us, errh, I mean all of THEM, when I say that we -- errh, THEY -- don't care what you're wearing. By all means, sweatpants it up.

We've got bigger fish to fry, dude.

Is Your Destination Less than a Mile Away? I Say GO FOR IT.

This means that everything from the mailbox to the Safeway down the street is within my sweatpants radius. I mean let's face it: that 7-Eleven is basically an extension of your living room anyway. Why would you go to the trouble of putting on jeans for the 4 minutes it'll take you to buy 8 liters of Mountain Dew?! Nobody expects that of you. Nobody.

Are You an Attractive Female? SWEATPANTS, BITCH!

This one may be controversial, but hey, I don't make these rules. I only follow them. Hot chicks can wear sweatpants wherever they want, because instead of looking like trashy slobs, they somehow manage to look even hotter because they give this impression of not caring.

So ... if anyone needed extra motivation to drop those last few pounds, there it is. Your reward is eternal sweatpants.

All of the above rules are completely invalidated by either 1) wearing sweatpants with writing on the ass that attempts to describe the quality of your ass;
The concept of a "saucy" ass is just horrifying.

Whenever I see "juicy" on someone's ass, this is how my brain translates.
Why beat around the bush?
or 2) wearing inappropriate footwear with your sweatpants, including but not limited to Ugg boots*
This is absolutely heinous. And also, she does have feet -- this view is from the BACK, duhhh.

*I totally wore Ugg boots with my sweatpants to Safeway the other day. I know I looked ridiculous but I didn't care. That's how awesome it is to be as lazy evolved as me. But to be fair, it was after 11PM, it was within my sweatpants radius, AND I am a reasonably attractive female.

Sheesh, look at me trying to justify a crime for which there is absolutely NO justification. Why couldn't I have just worn my fluffy house shoes LIKE A NORMAL PERSON?!?!

I hope none of you turn out like me.

I am an abomination.

But tomorrow, y'know what we're going to talk about? CAPES. So ... yeah. It could have been worse.

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