Blog Archive

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Things you (apparently) learn in college

Whenever Jesse doesn't know something, he blames it on the fact that he didn't go to college. Now, this would be fair if I were saying things like "what do you MEAN you don't know how to write a business plan!?!?!?" ... but that's never the case. He's always shouting about college when I discover that he put towels in a different closet than the designated linen closet, or that he didn't clean out his pockets before putting his pants in the wash.

It is always ridiculous and hilarious, and I really have no comeback when he feeds me the "I didn't go to college!" line, so I thought I would share with you all a few of the things that are apparently taught in college, according to Jesse:


I've always been a voracious reader, so I'd say I have a pretty broad vocabulary and I love using the exact right word for the exact right situation. This results in my sometimes using fancy words that don't exactly get tossed around a lot in regular conversation. So one time I was talking about the dichotomy between some shit and some other shit (see those fancy words in action!) and Jesse was all "a dike-a-what now?! Quit using words like that; you know I never went to college!"

And then I started to laugh because can you imagine what a dickhead someone would be if they'd majored in Vocabulary in college?! Those grammar-correcting English majors are bad enough.

I had to look up every single one of those words in a thesaurus to make that sentence sound like such an asshole.
I think this would actually be a pretty appropriate reaction.

I did actually have a professor in college who may have majored in Vocabulary. He was a great professor and had written a book that I wanted to read, so I bought it and got to work.

There were fifteen words I had never seen before ON THE FIRST PAGE ALONE. That's right; I couldn't even make it through the foreword without a bloody dictionary. I quit at around page 3 and cursed that professor for the completely unnecessary use of fancy words for no other reason than to scream "LOOK HOW SMART I AM! I BET YOU AREN'T EVEN SMART ENOUGH TO READ THIS BOOK!"

Touché, professor. You are a modern-day Immanuel Kant -- your writing is so impossible to read that only the truly persistent assholes with something to prove will actually be able to learn what you're trying to teach. Which ... kind of defeats the purpose of writing a book, no? Dickhead.

Setting the Table

You probably don't remember this class, but I can assure you, you took it. It was probably second semester freshman year, aka "the semester you don't remember because you were drunk 24/7." In this class, you learned that when you set a table, the knife goes on the right-hand side with the blade facing inward, and the fork goes on the left.

Folding Laundry

Jesse is not allowed to fold my laundry. He can fold his own clothes, but under no circumstances is he to assist in the folding of mine. Because he sucks at it. He was officially banned after I caught him trying to fold a thong into eighths.

So now imagine your 19-year-old is home for Christmas break and of course they're at that phase where they think they know EVERYTHING:

If this ever actually happens to me, that's it -- I'm killing myself.

Organizing the Pantry

Have you ever looked in your pantry and had to search and search for that pack of noodles you KNOW you bought, but you can't find them anywhere because they're not with the other packs of differently-shaped noodles ... but then you finally find them and they're on the top shelf behind a bag of leftover Halloween candy and you're like "what the hell kind of a moron puts a pack of noodles on the top shelf behind Halloween candy instead of putting them with all the other noodles?!"


But things are about to start changing around our house, yes they are. Because Jesse is getting started on taking some college classes.

Let's hope for all our sakes that his class schedule looks something like this:

And then he's planning on getting a Master's degree, which is something I don't have.

I can't wait.


  1. Why did you buy more noodles if you had some? Just saying

  2. When you're in the mood for orzo, ANGEL HAIR WILL NOT SUFFICE! I'm a noodle-snob. I admit it.