I have a lot of tattoos. I might even go so far as to say I have 'enough' tattoos.
But ... I kinda want one more. Just one more.
On my tush.
Yes, I know that's a terrible idea. But ya know what? It's actually kind of an awesome idea. And here are ten reasons why.
1. Butt tattoos are inherently funny
Of all the parts of your body, your butt is the one that stands the highest probability of getting huge, lumpy, wrinkly, and hideous with age. That probability hovers around 98.9%. Therefore, any tattoo you get on your rump will almost certainly warp, deform, and become monstrous over time.
This means that anyone who gets an ass tattoo is either nauseatingly vain (“MY ass is going to look great FOREVER!”) or they have a fantastic sense of humor. They accept that their ass is past its prime, and they demonstrate this understanding by getting some godawfully ridiculous picture permanently inked on there.
I really want people to think I have a great sense of humor.
2. You'll never end up regretting getting a stupid design, because when it comes to 'bumper stickers,' THEY ARE ALL STUPID.
Oh, what’s that? You like your tattoos to be deep and meaningful, and would never get a Woody Woodpecker tattoo in a million years? Check out this deep and meaningful tattoo:
The “carpe diem” tattoo becomes absolutely ridiculous in this context. At least the Woody Woodpecker design is intentionally stupid-looking. But you see my point here – that it doesn’t at all matter what you tattoo to your ass. Everything is going to end up looking hilariously dumb. Even this:
Especially this. You'd better hope your Grandma had as good a sense of humor as me!
Grandma's all "LOL!"
3. I'm married
I will never again have to explain to some half-stranger why I have Porky the Pig emblazoned on my buttock. There has never been a more opportune time to deface myself.
4. Jesse can get one too and it'll be our "thing."
But a much safer thing than getting our names or matching designs or getting our anniversary date tattooed to ourselves. I think getting ass tattoos together is a great way to celebrate our marriage without inviting ‘the curse.’
His n' hers!
5. We can take annual pictures of them on our anniversary and create a photo album tracking the increasing dilapidation of our rears.
We can show this album to our friends and families, and will it to our children.
6. I will have a reason to moon strangers when I'm drunk.
Much better than mooning them for no reason, like I usually do. “Honestly, officer, they wanted to see Daffy Duck so I showed them! Surely that isn’t illegal!”
7. Doin' it from behind will become at least 100x more hilarious
You can’t overstate the importance of comic relief during sex.
8. When my kids get old enough to realize how funny it is that their parents have cartoons tattooed to their asses, they'll see me in a whole new light.
9. Did I mention how funny ass tattoos are, always and in all situations?
10. Extra motivation not to let my ass get too fat
So there you go: TEN EXCELLENT REASONS to get a tattoo on my butt. And that's really ten more reasons than I need.
I'M DOIN IT.