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Friday, December 21, 2012

You suck at the apocalypse

Wow, Friday again! Well, it's already past the solstice and the world hasn't ended yet, so I'd say the odds are pretty good that we're going to get through this one.

But let's talk apocalypse for a minute.

I was born in 1985. I was in 7th grade when Columbine happened, and since then there's been about one school shooting or other completely random mass murder per year. I was in high school when 9/11 happened and I can count a solid handful of "near misses" on terrorist attacks since then. During my brief lifetime, I've seen two wars in which my peers and close friends (and husband) took part and sometimes gave their lives. I've watched Iran and North Korea march ever closer to gaining nuclear weapons; a nuclear-armed Russia become increasingly belligerent; China and its billion people becoming more and more militaristic. I've grown up in a world obsessed with hand sanitizer because new and exotic diseases are coming out all the time. I was taught that unprotected sex wasn't just stupid but actually DANGEROUS from long before I ever gave it a try myself. I've learned about global warming and seen the destruction wrought by global climate change -- the Asian tsunami, Hurricane Katrina, Hurricane Irene, Superstorm Sandy, you name it. Oh, and let's not forget that I've also watched the search for life on other planets come closer and closer to confirming that yeah, we aren't alone out there.

The point of all this is to say that for my generation -- young people around age 30 and below -- "the apocalypse" isn't just some farfetched plotline to a crazy science fiction movie that would never ever happen. To us, "the apocalypse" -- that is, the end of civilized society as we know it, whatever the cause -- is something very real that could actually happen, maybe even within our lifetimes. I operate under the assumption that I could get shot by a crazy person while getting off the train this afternoon, or die of some insane bioengineered disease next week, or be forced to fend for myself after our government gets wiped out by some Iranian nuke or crazy terrorist attack on Washington, DC. These are all things that have a higher-than-zero probability of occurring.

So I try to prepare myself. I think we all do, at least somewhat, whether it be by building an underground shelter or simply by keeping a baseball bat next to the bed.

But you know what? Some people SUCK at the apocalypse.

Last week, Jesse was at Safeway buying some this-or-that and he saw a fat, middle-aged lesbian couple buying a pallet of Kraft mac-n-cheese. Yes, you read that right: a PALLET of Kraft mac-n-cheese (and yes, it was the name brand stuff. Nothing but the best for their apocalypse shelter!).

Okay, seriously, ladies? Prepare for itemized list of why you are stupid:
1 - No sane person actually believed that the world was going to end today. At least no sane person believed it enough to spend the time and money needed to build and stock an underground shelter.

2 - A PALLET OF KRAFT MAC AND CHEESE??! What are you smoking??!? If that's your plan to survive the end of the world, you are a grade A dumbass who will be dead of scurvy, heart failure, and advanced diabetes within the week. I think you'd get more nutrition from eating mulch.

3 - My shotgun and I are taking your entire pallet of mac n cheese if the world does end up going to shit. If anyone's going to die of scurvy around here, it's me thankyouverymuch.

It's like taking your lunch money, only after I take it, you die of starvation.

Other people who suck at the apocalypse:
-- those chicks on The Walking Dead who are always wandering around with their hair down. Wow, good plan -- you don't need your peripheral vision! It's much more important to look good than to be able to see things sneaking up on you, especially in a world where the number one cause of death is things sneaking up on you. When the apocalypse does come, my head is going to be SOOOO shaved.
Which will make stick figure Jesse and me very hard to tell apart.

-- anyone whose most powerful weapon is their kid's plastic wiffle ball bat. A lot of people don't like guns and don't want them in the house -- I get that, and that's fine. But if you don't at least have a machete under your mattress, then it's going to be Apocalypse: 1, You: 0.

This guy's got the right idea. I would think twice before stealing his pallet of mac n cheese.

-- People who can "sleep through anything!"  You know that expression "a bomb could go off next door and I'd still sleep through it!"? Dudes ... that is not a good survival skill. If a bomb goes off next door, you should, I dunno, maybe wake up and get the hell out of there. Or an earthquake, or a tornado, or aliens shooting up the place. Maybe take those earplugs out once in a while. It would be strange to sleep through the apocalypse -- you'd wake up and the world would be all 28 Days Later on you, and you'd have to fight your way to safety alone, probably with a wiffle ball bat and your hair all in your eyes.

You're especially screwed if the aliens, zombies and North Koreans form some sort of unholy alliance.

So there you have it, guys. The world could end at any time. Try to be at least a LITTLE bit ready. If you've got 300 boxes of mac n cheese and a machete, you're already ahead of the curve.

And it certainly wouldn't hurt to emulate everyone's favorite Tremors characters! They'll take your mac cheese AND your toilet paper, and then you'll really be in a bind.

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