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Monday, December 24, 2012

Passive-aggressive Christmas presents

Actual quote from coworker the other day:

“I hate my brother’s kids. They are the absolute worst human beings I have ever met. I don’t want to get them anything for Christmas – they don’t deserve it. They’re such little shits, the only thing I could give them that would actually be useful would be a set of butt plugs to help prepare them for their future incarceration.”
Every once in a while, you have to buy a gift for someone you truly can’t stand. How do you express your feelings for them in a way that really makes it clear but also leaves you blameless? Here are a few ideas.
Gun Rack

Have you got one of those “friends” whose only approved conversational topic is politics? You know, those people who ruin what would be a perfectly good lunch hour by turning it into a debate nobody can win, day after day after day? Those people suck. What better way to say “I haven’t listened to a single f**king word you’ve ever said” than to get a gun rack for someone who’s spent the last week going on and on about gun control?

Don’t worry; your little Junior Rush Limbaugh coworker’s got his thing coming too:

However, in the case of the gun rack, it’s important to also have an Amazon gift card in your pocket in case the recipient starts reciting lines from Wayne’s World. Anyone who has that part of the movie memorized can’t be all bad. Maybe you just need to reward them for talking about movies instead of politics, training them like a dog.
2000-piece puzzle

The next gift is for that “friend” who constantly complains about their life while doing absolutely nothing to change it. They’re upset because they’ve gained weight, but all they do is bitch about it while stuffing their face with ice cream sandwiches. They hate their job but make no attempt to find a new job. They claim they have no friends, which is true because they’re so negative and caustic that it takes all your willpower not to punch them in the face on a minutely basis.
So they open the box and find a 2000 piece puzzle – the kind of thing that will take MONTHS of CONSTANT work to finish. It’s a nice sly way of saying “change your attitude or YOU WILL HAVE TIME FOR THIS.”

Extra points if you announce “I hate puzzles” when you hand it over, so they know you have no intention of helping them complete it.

Daily newspaper subscription

Yeah, I know you can read all that sh*t online. But isn’t it better when you have to run out in the rain every morning to pick the goddamned newspaper up off the ground and throw it away? What fun!!!!

Non-fancy bath stuff

I think every human shares the subtle fear that despite our best efforts, we don’t smell good. It’s a scary thing, facing the possibility that our foul odor repels people. Any time I catch a whiff of something gross, my first thought is “omigod I hope that’s not coming from me.”
So what better way to subtly knock that one cocky jerk off her pedestal than to give her a selection of grocery store Suave bath products for Christmas? The kind of thing that doesn’t say “I thought you’d like to pamper yourself” but instead says “I thought you’d like to bathe every once in a while. You know, because you stink.”

She’ll be overcome with self-consciousness from there on out, and hopefully that will make things a little better for you.

Self-help book

This one goes to the person in your life who is constantly giving you unsolicited advice. Whether that's your sister, your mother-in-law, or your cubicle-mate, it's time for them to get a little taste of their own medicine. Guess who likes unsolicited advice on every topic under the sun, guys?

Answer: no one.

Once again, extra points for choosing a book written by a well-known crackpot like Dr. Laura, who isn't even a doctor and thinks that a gay son is the worst thing that could happen to a parent.

There you go, guys -- a few ideas to really stick it to someone this Christmas. If you hurry, you can still pick up one of these amazing gems at the local Wal-mart! Meanwhile, stay tuned for tomorrow, when there will be some really atrocious Santa pictures in the spirit of the Thanksgiving post!
Merry Christmas to those that celebrate it, and Happy Chinese Food Day to those that don't!

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