Are these offenses grounds for divorce??

I’m not a lawyer or anything, so I'm asking all these questions on behalf of a friend. Maybe one of you can shed some light on the following offenses, and whether or not I, or I mean, MY FRIEND, will be able to use them to get lots and lots of shiny alimony in the event that they lead to divorce??

1

Crowding on the couch

Sometimes I’m sitting on the couch, or I mean, my friend is sitting on the couch, and Jesse is sitting on the other side of the couch. (umm, my friend’s husband is also named Jesse. Quelle coincidence, amirite??).

But anyway, so Jesse stretches himself out down the couch and places his bare feet on my friend’s lap. He then demands that a blanket be placed over his feet. If no blanket is available, he will try to force his feet underneath my friend’s legs and rump, hoping to find warmth under there in a manner most uncomfortable for my friend. Why he doesn’t just put on socks is a mystery to us all.

He also likes to touch his toes to her face when she least expects it, mostly as punishment for her calling his feet “fugly-ass hobbit feet that have more in common with monkey hands than anything I’ve seen on a human.”

 This is how it starts.

Artist's rendering of the attack: a closeup
Note: his toes are so long that he can form his foot into a fist, and then "funch" [foot-punch] people with it.

2

Turning the thermostat down to 63 degrees in winter

My friend lives in an area of the country where it gets pretty damp and chilly during the winter.

Okay, the friend is actually me. You got me. I just can’t keep up this charade anymore.

So our house can get pretty chilly if you get too tentative with the thermostat. Well, sometimes Jesse decides it’s too hot in the house, and turns the heat down. I usually agree with this decision. 

But he isn’t very careful about it – he just cranks the little lever downwards without looking, then moves on. Then we go to sleep … and when we wake up, it is 63-goddamned-degrees in the house. If that. The bedroom tends to drop even lower than the rest of the house.

Do you know how hard it is to get out of bed before dawn when it is bloody freezing in your bedroom??

And yet, he has done this several times. A couple of times, he intentionally turned it down that low because there was beer fermenting in the dining room and the beer “needed” the temperature to be lower so that the yeast didn’t kick up some off flavors.

APPARENTLY THE BEER, NOT ME, GETS TO DECIDE WHAT TEMPERATURE IS APPROPRIATE FOR OUR HOUSE.

 

This is what actually happened ...

... and this is what Jesse seems to think happened.

 In his defense, though, the carboy full of fermenting beer is infinitely more awesome than I could ever be. For starters, it turns into beer. I haven't done that even one single time.

3

Walking away during a movie without pausing it or asking for me to pause it, but then demanding to rewind and re-watch what was missed

So there I am, watching a movie with Jesse. He gets up, perhaps to get a snack, or go to the bathroom, or get another beer. He is gone for thirty seconds or so. The movie is not paused during his absence.

Then, this happens:

I cannot tell you how many times I have watched the same thirty second to three minute segment of a movie twice -- usually a segment in which nothing important to the plot happens. 

It's okay, though. I AM GOING TO GET SO MUCH ALIMONY.

Also -- I DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT ALIMONY IS.

And just as a final disclaimer: of course, as always, this post is a joke. Jesse and I are very happily married, even though he does put his hobbit-feet in my face and funch me and I hate it. And he doesn't pause the movie before wandering off even when all he's going to miss is the opening credits.

God that's annoying. It's the freaking opening credits. Unless there are boobs, there is NO REASON TO REWIND.

I don't begrudge him rewinding if there were boobs during his absence, though. I'm not a monster, you guys. If I did that, I'd totally be the one paying the alimony. If alimony worked that way.

Which it should.