What your favorite things say about you: Movies

(this is the first part of a new series exploring what your favorite things say about you. Or, more importantly, what you CLAIM your favorite things are and what this says about you.)

My favorite movie is Happy Gilmore.

Did you judge me just now for saying that? It’s okay if you did. I don’t mind. But I love that movie. I will turn it on 100% of the times I see it playing on any channel on TV. When we moved into our house and didn’t have cable or Netflix hooked up yet, GUESS WHICH DVD FOUND ITS WAY OUT OF THE MOVING BOX FIRST.

There is no part of this movie – not one single minute – that I don’t find hysterical. If I had to choose a favorite scene (a nearly impossible task, mind you), I’d have to say the scene where Happy hits a golf ball for the first time. His first shot breaks an upstairs window on a house 400 yards away. His second shot hits the homeowner in the head after he comes outside to search for the source of his broken window:

  Way to blame the victim, Happy. We could all learn a thing or two from your example.

And his third shot is just the cherry on top, knocking a woman out of the already-broken second story window. I usually pee my pants every time I see this scene.

(catch the whole scene here)

Now, when I say that my favorite movie is a slapstick Adam Sandler flick featuring an extended Bob Barker fight scene and midgets riding tricycles, I know I’m going to get judged for that. But it’s okay, because I judge people for their favorite movies just as much. Here’s what I might think about your favorite movie:

If your favorite movie is incredibly depressing

Look, objectively, I will gladly admit that Hotel Rwanda was a great movie. Boys Don’t Cry was a great movie. Precious may have been a great movie – I don’t know; I never watched it. I was too busy trying to figure out a way to microwave my own hand until it exploded (HINT: you have to chop it off first).

My question is, what sort of mentally deranged individual would honestly and truly call these movies “favorites”? What is wrong with you that makes you genuinely enjoy watching such heavy, upsetting movies?? I would never even go so far as to say “I loved Hotel Rwanda!” and would go with the safer option of “I thought Hotel Rwanda was very well-done,” which it was. I sure as shit didn’t love it, though. 

Because I’m not a sociopath.

If your favorite movie is something objectively awful

 

There are some terrible f**king movies out there, y’all. Some of them are terrible to the point of being hilarious, and others are just plain awful. But there is nothing sadder than a person who openly, guilelessly loves a bad movie (okay maybe cancer puppies are sadder, but THAT’S IT.).

If you love a bad movie, that’s okay – just embrace it. Admit that you know it’s bad but you love it anyway. At least then we know you're not stupid, because you recognize the awfulness. But do not, under any circumstances, try to argue with me that Twilight was good. I’ve seen like ten minutes of it. THAT WAS PLENTY.

If your favorite movie is something so complicated you have to watch it six times just to get some grip on what is happening

 

The other day, I watched Vanilla Sky for the first time. Granted, I fell asleep through large parts of it, but every time I woke up, something even more insane was happening. Then I was awake through the final half hour of the movie, and what the sh*t was going on in that movie?!?!?! I mean, what?? Jesse has seen it several times and even he admits that he isn’t too clear on what in all hell is the right answer to the question “WHAT AM I WATCHING?!?!?!” Is he alive? Dead? Awake? Asleep? Were any of the characters real? Did he even get in a car crash at all??

 

Movies like that can be fun to watch sometimes. I think anyone who has seen Memento or Fight Club knows that crazy feeling you get when the movie twists around on you and you’re all NO WAY, GET THE F**K OUT OF HERE. YOU GOT ME, BRO. But those movies at least make sense when the twist comes. You don’t have to watch them eight more times just to get some vague idea of what the plot is.

But as for the really crazy ones … favorite movie? Really? There is no other movie you’d rather watch? You turn on Inception every time you find it on cable? You’re never NOT in the mood to watch Donnie Darko? If your cable was out and you had to choose one DVD to watch, you’d bust out Mulholland Drive while your wife groans because you’ve already made her watch it 23849749582 times?

Either you’re full of it, or you are probably not the kind of person I want to drink with. That’s okay, though. You just sit there watching Mulholland Drive over and over again. Eventually you’ll get it, and then won’t the rest of us look like fools!

If your favorite movie is a comedy that I just don’t find funny

 Like my husband, for example.

AGREE TO DISAGREE.

If your favorite movie is a horror movie

 

YOU SCARE ME.

If your favorite movie is some obscure foreign film or something that came out long before you were born

(and isn’t a cult classic)

 STOP BEING SUCH A GODDAMNED HIPSTER.

Ahem.

So, in conclusion, remember that there are millions of movies out there from which to choose a favorite. Try not to be too much of an asshole about it.

And now I totally want to watch Happy Gilmore again. "Can I trouble you for a warm glass of SHUT THE HELL UP?"

HAAAAAA! I peed my pants again.