Dear Men: No, I am not pregnant. Sincerely, Women

As any woman between the ages of roughly 18 and 40 can attest, there are few things more irritating than being asked if you're pregnant. Those few things include: being accused of being pregnant, and the even more welcome act of being assumed to be pregnant. I think many of us would agree that we would rather you just blew an air horn directly into our faces than ask us these questions -- because with the air horn, at least afterwards we can just kick you in the balls and be done with it. But with the pregnancy thing, we have to actually be somewhat polite in defusing the situation ... even though YOU ARE THE ONE BEING F***ING RUDE.

Ahem.

So, in this post, I shall attempt to teach the male gender a little lesson on why you should never, ever ask/accuse/assume that a woman is pregnant just because she got engaged, got married, threw up, ate a big meal, turned down a beer, acted bitchy, or wore a loose-fitting shirt.

You see, most women in that childbearing phase of their lives have their own plan on when/if they want to have kids. So this is how stellar your "innocent question" sounds, depending on which phase they are in:


The "We're trying and we just succeeded but it's too early to tell anyone yet" phase

Oh hey asshole, great job! Way to ask an unbelievably inappropriate and personal question in an attempt to trick someone into telling you something you have absolutely no right to know! Now you've just put a newly-pregnant woman in the incredibly awkward position of having to either 1) look you in the eyes and lie; 2) tell you a secret she isn't ready to have everybody know about yet, or 3) tell you that it's none of your business, which you will interpret to mean "yes, I am pregnant" and will cause you to announce to everyone within earshot that HEY GUESS WHO'S KNOCKED UP!!!!

I suppose two weeks later if you do see her drinking a beer, you'll run up and ask her if she had a miscarriage? I'm sure she'll be equally happy to tell you all about that, too.


The "We're trying and have been for a while but it's not working" phase

Wow, aren't you a sh*thead! Hey, I heard her father died last month -- maybe you could bring that up too!


The "No kids for us, thanks" phase

This one isn't so much a phase as it is a life decision, and one that people have every right to make. They don't have to justify it to you. Would you go around asking people their political affiliation if they'd made no obvious attempt to share that with you before? No? Then keep your mouth shut on their decision not to procreate, too.


The "We're not going to try for a few years yet -- not til we're completely ready" phase

The prior examples are bad, but I'd have to say that this one takes the cake when it comes to abject rudeness. How dare you imply that my decision to get married is based entirely on an accidental pregnancy? How dare you imply that I am stupid enough to end up with an accidental pregnancy in the first place? (not that all accidental pregnancies are caused by stupidity -- sometimes the pill does fail -- but I think we can all agree that MOST accidental pregnancies are the result of some sort of idiotic failure to take proper precautions)

I cannot tell you how many times I got this one in the months after Jesse and I got engaged. The first time I heard it, I just thought it was rude. The second time, I started to get pissed. The 30th time, I erupted like a volcano of rage, shouting at someone about what a f**king asshole they were for saying that; foaming at the mouth with pure, unrestrained anger until he was a quivering apologetic puddle. But guess what? People still thought it was a cute and funny joke to make.

It isn't.

The worst part about all of these situations is that no matter what we're thinking to ourselves, our outward response has to be one of "haha, you're so funny; no, no I'm not pregnant; I'm just not drinking because I have a hangover from last night/I'm eating dessert because I'm PMSing really bad/I'm wearing flowy shirts because I gained some weight." We have to be polite even though your question was insanely, unspeakably rude.

So you know what? Eff that politeness BS.

I'm buying an air horn to keep in my purse so that from now on, anyone who asks me if I'm pregnant just gets blasted directly in the ear. I feel like they will eventually learn their lesson.

So, for those who never realized how rude it was to do this, I hope you learned something today and will learn to control your curiosity about other women's lady-bits.

And for those who read this and decided to continue doing this like it ain't no thang, be warned: I am coming for you, and I've already placed an order for miniature air horns.

Put in your ear plugs, motherf***er. You're done.