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Monday, January 21, 2013

Dear Men: No, I am not pregnant. Sincerely, Women

As any woman between the ages of roughly 18 and 40 can attest, there are few things more irritating than being asked if you're pregnant. Those few things include: being accused of being pregnant, and the even more welcome act of being assumed to be pregnant. I think many of us would agree that we would rather you just blew an air horn directly into our faces than ask us these questions -- because with the air horn, at least afterwards we can just kick you in the balls and be done with it. But with the pregnancy thing, we have to actually be somewhat polite in defusing the situation ... even though YOU ARE THE ONE BEING F***ING RUDE.


So, in this post, I shall attempt to teach the male gender a little lesson on why you should never, ever ask/accuse/assume that a woman is pregnant just because she got engaged, got married, threw up, ate a big meal, turned down a beer, acted bitchy, or wore a loose-fitting shirt.

You see, most women in that childbearing phase of their lives have their own plan on when/if they want to have kids. So this is how stellar your "innocent question" sounds, depending on which phase they are in:

The "We're trying and we just succeeded but it's too early to tell anyone yet" phase

Oh hey asshole, great job! Way to ask an unbelievably inappropriate and personal question in an attempt to trick someone into telling you something you have absolutely no right to know! Now you've just put a newly-pregnant woman in the incredibly awkward position of having to either 1) look you in the eyes and lie; 2) tell you a secret she isn't ready to have everybody know about yet, or 3) tell you that it's none of your business, which you will interpret to mean "yes, I am pregnant" and will cause you to announce to everyone within earshot that HEY GUESS WHO'S KNOCKED UP!!!!

I suppose two weeks later if you do see her drinking a beer, you'll run up and ask her if she had a miscarriage? I'm sure she'll be equally happy to tell you all about that, too.

The "We're trying and have been for a while but it's not working" phase

Wow, aren't you a sh*thead! Hey, I heard her father died last month -- maybe you could bring that up too!

The "No kids for us, thanks" phase

This one isn't so much a phase as it is a life decision, and one that people have every right to make. They don't have to justify it to you. Would you go around asking people their political affiliation if they'd made no obvious attempt to share that with you before? No? Then keep your mouth shut on their decision not to procreate, too.

The "We're not going to try for a few years yet -- not til we're completely ready" phase

The prior examples are bad, but I'd have to say that this one takes the cake when it comes to abject rudeness. How dare you imply that my decision to get married is based entirely on an accidental pregnancy? How dare you imply that I am stupid enough to end up with an accidental pregnancy in the first place? (not that all accidental pregnancies are caused by stupidity -- sometimes the pill does fail -- but I think we can all agree that MOST accidental pregnancies are the result of some sort of idiotic failure to take proper precautions)

I cannot tell you how many times I got this one in the months after Jesse and I got engaged. The first time I heard it, I just thought it was rude. The second time, I started to get pissed. The 30th time, I erupted like a volcano of rage, shouting at someone about what a f**king asshole they were for saying that; foaming at the mouth with pure, unrestrained anger until he was a quivering apologetic puddle. But guess what? People still thought it was a cute and funny joke to make.

It isn't.

The worst part about all of these situations is that no matter what we're thinking to ourselves, our outward response has to be one of "haha, you're so funny; no, no I'm not pregnant; I'm just not drinking because I have a hangover from last night/I'm eating dessert because I'm PMSing really bad/I'm wearing flowy shirts because I gained some weight." We have to be polite even though your question was insanely, unspeakably rude.

So you know what? Eff that politeness BS.

I'm buying an air horn to keep in my purse so that from now on, anyone who asks me if I'm pregnant just gets blasted directly in the ear. I feel like they will eventually learn their lesson.

So, for those who never realized how rude it was to do this, I hope you learned something today and will learn to control your curiosity about other women's lady-bits.

And for those who read this and decided to continue doing this like it ain't no thang, be warned: I am coming for you, and I've already placed an order for miniature air horns.

Put in your ear plugs, motherf***er. You're done.


  1. LMFAO. By far my favorite post so far, as I have in fact been asked if I was pregnant. The one scenario you didn't cover though (perhaps a second edition?) is when small children ask you with their parents present.."do you have a baby in your tummy? It's really big so you must have a baby like mommy did....oh you don't? Then you eat too much hehe!"...thanks 5 year old that I can't punch in the face. And thanks mom of five year old that isn't apologizing or correcting the child AT ALL

    1. Oh jeez. See, I feel like at this point, most people who weren't raised by wolves have figured out that they're not supposed to point at a woman's belly and ask if she's pregnant (though apparently this child IS being raised by wolves). But as long as "weight gain" isn't the reason they think you're pregnant, then they think it's perfectly acceptable to ask.

      NO. BAD.

  2. Another one of the reasons this last political season drove me so crazy. Both sides were blabbing on about "women's issues" as if everything in my life revolves around my uterus. Amazingly enough that is not the decision making organ of my body. I do things for reasons other than being or not being pregnant! Thank you!

    1. Ugh, so true. It's just so weird how people think that the status of my uterus is information that they have every right to know. Like, have you ever thought about how odd it is that many employers offer different lengths of time for maternity leave based on if the baby was born by C-section or not? (my work offers 6 weeks for natural birth, 8 for c-section). Hey, wait, since when is it appropriate for my EMPLOYERS to know whether a baby came out my vagina or through a hole in my stomach?!

  3. Having run into a couple of those situations myself, I found this particularly hilarious. :)

    1. Thanks :-) I'm glad so many women could relate to this! Now we wait for everyone to change their behavior ... because obviously this blog post will be the catalyst that changes everything :-P

  4. Fact. Absolute fact. Since our October nuptials, I am asked at least once a week if I am pregnant, and each time I lament the fact that I cannot punch them in the mouth.

    1. Air horn. Seriously.

      It's not so bad now that we moved cross-country, because the people here don't know me well enough to ask me stuff like that (THANK GOD). But before we left, it was to the point where I could never, ever NOT have a beer if one was offered -- no matter how much I didn't want one -- because it would start a rumor that would spread like wildfire. Thanks, assholes.