So, about a month ago, Gremlins came on TV and Jesse turned it on and demanded I watch it with him. Okay, I wasn't really WATCHING it so much as I was screwing around in the kitchen while it was on ... but that's certainly an improvement over the completely invented and unbridled insanity that was my original description of it.
Except ... ummm ... the real movie wasn't that far off my description. Notably, it wasn't that far off the most effed-up things I was able to come up with in my original description.
Which, as you may recall, involved the gremlins gang-raping a woman in front of her children after killing a baby by ripping off its arm.
So, to recap: in my Gremlins post, I guessed that the original mogwai was turned into a gremlin after the idiot kid taking care of him did all the things he wasn't supposed to do with it, including getting it wet and feeding it after midnight.
And acting out hamburger commercials starring Paris Hilton.
In the actual movie, the first mogwai, Gizmo, gets wet by accident and spawns a bunch of new mogwai things, which are evil and trick the idiot kid into feeding them after midnight. They then hatch into evil gremlins and reproduce themselves by continually getting themselves wet.
So basically, I missed the mark when I assumed the problem was that the kid was a mentally challenged dumbass. The real problem, as it turned out, is that the gremlin things are INDESCRIBABLY EVIL.
Once they turn into demon monsters, they start MURDERING THE SH*T OUT OF PEOPLE. They kill an old couple, a scientist, some other people (I dunno, I was in the kitchen during that part). They attack the dumbass kid's mom, and so she kills them ...
BY GRINDING ONE UP IN A BLENDER AND BY EXPLODING ONE IN THE MICROWAVE.
This is an actual screenshot from the movie of gremlin blood and guts being sprayed around by a blender. I would have drawn it myself, but I didn't think I could make it gruesome enough.
Here he is in the microwave. Hey there, buddy!
Awww, he 'sploded.
I was so taken aback by this graphic violence in what was, I thought, a PG-rated children's movie set at Christmastime, that I actually found myself asking Jesse "if the gremlins had raped anyone yet, and if that's on the agenda."
At first, Jesse was like, "don't be ridiculous; of course they don't rape anybody!"
And then he thought about it for a second and was like, "at least, I don't think they rape anyone. I don't know -- it's been a really long time since I've seen this."
That's right -- the movie was so unbelievably and cruelly violent that it seemed perfectly feasible that the gremlins would gang-rape someone. I didn't like the way those gremlins were eyeballing the idiot kid's girlfriend when they trapped her in the tavern. They were all drunk and forcing her to bartend for them, and one of them even trench-coat-flashed her.
Oh, I bet he just wants to take her out for a nice dinner and treat her with respect!
If she hadn't blinded them all with the flash on a Polaroid camera and gotten the hell out of there, they would have raped her blind. Watch the scene yourself and tell me I'm wrong. It'd be like The Accused but with gremlins.
The movie had a happy ending where all the gremlins get killed, but in all seriousness, my ending would have probably made a lot more sense.
Christ on a cracker, Gremlins. Sh*t. F**k. I thought I was the sick one ... but it was you all along.