More ill-conceived commercials! Pop Tarts, Enbrel, Papa John's

This Sunday is the Superbowl, so I figured I'd better get these commercials covered before a whole new set of crap rolls in. Let's see what products the idiots at the ad agencies want us to buy, and the foolish ways they try to make this happen:

Pop Tarts Holocaust 

(watch it here)

I've met a lot of vegetarians in my day, and they tend to have a pretty wide array of reasons why they've elected not to eat meat. But a high percentage of them have gone the vegetarian route at least partly because they don't like the idea of making other living creatures suffer just so they can eat them, particularly when it isn't absolutely necessary for them to do so.

I've also met a lot of people who aren't vegetarian but refuse to eat lobster. Why? Because the best way to cook lobster is to drop it into a pot of boiling water while it's still alive, boiling it to death. They find this idea so stomach-turning that they'd rather just not eat it at all.

And also, let us not forget that old-time Greek method of torturing people to death called the Brazen Bull. What they'd do was load people up into a big bronze bull and then light a fire under it, roasting them to death. Most people would not consider this a pleasant way to go.

With all that in mind, can anyone explain this Pop Tarts commercial to me?

First, two FULLY ALIVE AND SENTIENT pop tarts enter what they believe to be a photo booth. One of them produces a quarter out of god-knows-where and drops it into a coin slot:

They begin smiling and being silly, waiting for their picture to be taken:

You see the coils of the toaster around them turning red, and they begin to get concerned about how long it is taking for their picture to be taken. They point out that it's getting hot:

OH HAHA IT ISN'T A PHOTO BOOTH AT ALL!

It's a toaster where they are being slow-roasted to death so that some sadistic assholes can eat them. THAT'S HILARIOUS!!! It reminds me of how the Nazis would tell the Jews they were just going to take a shower, but then in reality they would gas them to death!

OMG KELLOGG I WANT A POP TART SO BAD RIGHT NOW.

Enbrel Commercial with Phil Mickelson

(watch a bootleg version here)

I don't know what Enbrel does. It's a medicine of some kind, but I don't really know what disease it's for. I've seen the commercial, but I absorbed absolutely nothing.

Why?

Here's why:

PHIL MICKELSON HAS CRAZY EYES.

Is he even a good golfer, or did he just stare down anyone who was like "the ball didn't go in the hole!" until they changed their story?

He doesn't blink a single time throughout the entire commercial, daring you to break eye contact. I, for one, don't have that kind of courage. He's like the Hypno-toad on Futurama.

I'm sorry, I seem to have lost my ... train of ... thought ...



(several hours later, after waking up naked in a ditch with a severe head injury, a blood-soaked rag tied around my neck and a matched pair of human hands fashioned into a set of nunchucks)

I ... ummm ... so, let's continue this, shall we?

Papa John's commercial with Peyton Manning

(watch it here)

I ... ummmm ... this commercial is ...

Sorry. Focusing now. In this commercial, Peyton Manning is suffering from some sort of severe brain damage, and Papa John is too nice to say anything about it so he just goes along with it when ...

Sorry, I mean, gosh, I don't know why I'm having such a hard time concentrating ...

... I mean, Papa John goes along with it when Peyton can't keep track of the difference between 1 million and 2 million free pizzas. So they agree to ...