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Monday, February 11, 2013

Theme parties for adults

When we were kids, themed parties were the best. I would totally get down for a cowgirl-themed birthday party.

Now that we're all grown up, however, theme parties look a little bit different than they did. A little bit crazier.

A lot crazier, in fact.

Here are the ways that an adult's themed party will be significantly more insane than anything a child could pull off:

No theme is too crazy

Kids have Spongebob parties and princess parties and Toy Story parties.

Adults have "dress as your favorite transvestite" parties.

How could anyone NOT have a favorite transvestite?!?

Adults have their own money to waste on accessories

When you're a kid, you're stuck with whatever your mom can find in her and your closets. If that means you have to wear Dad's old sombrero to a cowboy party, then you're wearing Dad's old sombrero and that's it. Kids are expensive enough without having to go out and buy them a new pilgrim hat every time there's a damned Thanksgiving party.

Shut up, kid. You look fine.

For adults, however, no amount of money is too much to spend on theme-related attire. You will gladly drive thirty minutes out of your way to the nearest Party City to spend $40 on some plastic flotsam that will break and get lost by the end of the party, never to be worn again. 

If you're really feeling froggy, you may even spend REAL money on what you'll inevitably call "an investment piece." Forget that cheesy dollar store cowboy hat; isn't it time you bought yourself a real, authentic cowboy hat to wear to all future cowboy-themed parties? ISN'T IT?!?!

I guarantee that you will never wear this hat again.


Drinking will help you get in character

So there you are at your carnivorous beasts-themed party, sipping on some wine. Everyone is mingling calmly, chatting and laughing.

Two hours later, everyone is hammered and straight-up fighting each other because that's what carnivorous beasts do, dammit! The next day, you wake up covered in bite marks and vaguely remember that asshole hyena guy, who kept chewing on you after the guy dressed as a tiger choked you out. Man, what a party.

Related: Is anyone interested in hosting a Carnivorous Beasts-themed party?


The women will all find a way to make it slutty

Thankfully, children haven't figured this one out yet.

Equally thankfully, adults have!

The theme is NINJAS!!!!!


You will violently ridicule anyone who doesn't follow the theme

If a kid shows up to a themed party without any theme-wear on, you usually assume it's because the parents didn't have any sombreros lying around and couldn't afford to buy one just for this occasion. So you keep your mouth shut.

If an adult shows up to a theme party without a costume, well ... shit will not stand, sir.


Until everyone is drunk and in character, though. Then it is deadly.


Once you are drunk enough to venture into the world, you will become angry at anyone who is not dressed in your theme

Eventually, adult-you and your party-mates will decide it's time to go see the world. Perhaps you will stumble to the nearest bar together, still dressed up and still in character. Once you arrive at said bar, you will be absolutely perplexed by why everyone else at the bar is not also dressed up.

You will become angry at them.

And if you're still strongly in character, you may go to jail.

So basically, theme parties are extremely dangerous and should be avoided at all costs.

Except at the time of this writing, I have an owl suit in my backpack that I paid far too much for, which I am going to wear to a pajama-themed pub crawl (it's an owl onesie). I hope I don't drink too much and shit out undigested mouse parts.

Ah, who am I kidding. I am definitely going to do that.


  1. So....when's the next theme party? All of the terrible results just make me want to dress to theme and get drunk!

    1. Ninja ballerinas or carnivorous gangsters theme?

  2. Or you could do Canivorous Ninja Ballerinas/Gangsters 0.0