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Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Terrible Movie Reviews: Highlander

I've never seen Highlander, and if I can go the rest of my life without seeing it, I'll consider it a total success. Why? Because I don't need to watch it to know it's one of the worst movies ever.

Highlander tells the story of a bunch of immortals who have to kill each other (apparently I don't really understand what "immortal" means because HOW CAN THEY KILL EACH OTHER IF THEY'RE IMMORTAL?) until there is only one left. Because duh -- there can be only one. That is the only line from this movie that anyone remembers.

Does this look like the kind of guy who would lie about how many there can be? DOES IT?

We're all supposed to be rooting for some guy named Connor, who pulled some slick shit way back in the day in old Scotland (the movie likes to jump back and forth between New York in the 80's and Scotland in the 16th century) and is therefore special. The movie opens with him battling another immortal in a parking garage, because they're classy like that.

Connor kills the dude with his sword, which inexplicably creates a bunch of electricity called "the quickening." If you think that "quickening" sounds weirdly kinda sexual, then you are not alone. I also giggle every time I hear this word.

Pictured: "Quickening"

The police investigate what the hell went down in the parking garage, and they arrest our boy Connor, but then they let him go because apparently there was no proof that he killed a guy and destroyed a parking garage (other than the fact that HE OBVIOUSLY DID IT). So he does what any ordinary immortal would do in that situation, and starts boning one of the police officers.

There are lots more flashbacks to the past, and in one of them, Sean Connery teaches him how to sword fight. Sean Connery's character is named Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez because duh, why would he not be named that. 

But of course there must be a bad guy immortal, and his name is the Kurgan. Yes -- THE Kurgan. Not just any old Kurgan, folks.

Early bird gets the worm, right, The Kurgan?

The Kurgan keeps killing people and immortals because he wants to be "the one." Oh yeah, I forgot to mention -- once all the immortals kill each other and only one is left, that guy gets some sort of Prize that is never fully described. But naturally the immortals all assume that it is awesome so they really want to be the one that gets it.

Like, infinite-tickets-at-the-Chuck-E-Cheese-prize-counter awesome.

But in a total surprise ending, Connor kills his ass and gets a super strong ridiculous wowie-I'll-have-what-she's-having zinger of a Quickening. 

Now THAT'S a Quickening.

Then he becomes mortal and keeps boning the police officer chick, which apparently is The Prize for killing all the other immortals. 

Pictured: THE PRIZE.

Yeah ... that's .... that's some prize right there. Way better than being immortal.

Also, according to Wikipedia: "Connor now has awareness of people's thoughts around the world and uses this to encourage cooperation and peace."


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