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Thursday, March 21, 2013

More pregnancy FAQs -- answered!!

Yesterday, I got through most of the preliminary questions people ask when you tell them you're pregnant. But I didn't get through all of them. Here is the "second tier" of questions -- the ones people only bust out when they've had a couple of beers, or if they feel comfortable enough with you to get a little bit more personal. I figure you all feel pretty comfortable with me by now, so let's get down to it!

Are you worried about stretch marks?

Not particularly. I'm rubbing 100% shea butter on my stomach every evening and cocoa butter every morning, so I'm pretty much doing all I can and the rest is up to nature. Plus, I've still been eating healthy and exercising so I don't think I'm going to get one of those "big fat bellies" that so many pregnant women seem to end up with.

Hey Megan Fox, maybe lay off the ice cream a little bit, amirite?!?!?!!

Have you thought about your birth plan yet? All natural versus epidural versus c-section and all that?

Umm, I figured I'd just poop the baby out my butt like a normal person, duh.

You don't poop babies out your butt.

Yes you do, dumbass. Where do you think they come out, your mouth? F***kin idiot.

They come out your vagina.

Hey. Language.

No, I'm serious. They come out your vagina and your vagina gets all stretched out and rips!

WHAT?!? No way. There's no way that's possible. How would it fit?

I just told you, IT DOESN'T FIT! Your vagina gets totally ruined! Your body will be an absolute wasteland for the rest of your natural life! Nuclear winter!!

Well, I tell you what, this is the FIRST I'VE HEARD ABOUT THIS. I can't believe it. I'll need to do some more research to get to the bottom of this "babies come out your vagina" thing. I'm just glad you of all people were brave enough to tell me the truth. My mom told me God sends a stork to drop the baby off right at your front door. Wow, my own mother lied right to my face. Then the obstetrician told me it comes out my butt like a big poop and it doesn't even hurt. God, next you're going to tell me there's no Easter Bunny. This is bullshit.

Speaking of poop, some women even go #2 right there in the hospital room while they're giving birth!

Okay, now you're just pulling my leg, you scamp!

So have you stopped drinking?

Of course not. I'm having a bacon-and-bloody-mary breakfast as we speak. Why, am I not supposed to be drinking?

Can I touch your belly?

Of course! And I'll touch yours too, and we'll stand there, hands on each other's bellies, staring deeply into each other's eyes, and then I'll mouth "Olive Juice" and you'll be so confused -- confused by the emotions that suddenly flood through you, confused by the depth of the feelings you're having -- feelings you didn't think you'd ever experience again. It will be so magical. And then I'll step forward and press my belly against your belly and we will be spirit-married -- the kind of bond that will last long after you leave the grocery store. Tell me you won't be thinking about me on the ride home -- about that moment we shared right there in the cereal aisle. No. You're lying to yourself. You will never forget me. We touched our bellies. Call me.

So I have this friend -- okay, she's not really my friend, but I see her at the gym sometimes. She's kinda hot but I think she might be a little too crazy to go out with -- but anyway, she said her aunt was in labor for like two full days and then when she finally gave birth, she broke her pelvis!

Is there a question in there?


OMG. I just did some research and here's what I found: 

Your pelvis is designed to stretch during child birth and it is not likely that it will break. However, it does happen in rare instances when the woman's pelvis is very small and the baby is very large

By "rare instances" I assume they mean there's like a 95% chance of it happening to me! IS IT TOO LATE TO GET AN ABORTION!??! I'll just adopt one of those Communist babies from China! Can't break your pelvis doing that, unless you get in a car wreck on your way to the airport. 

OMG. I just did some more research and it turns out you're much more likely to break your pelvis in a car wreck than during childbirth! Do you have some rope I could use to make a noose? I don't want to live in a world where it's possible to break your pelvis under any circumstances.

Hey wait, are you making fun of me?

Of course I am. You make it so easy.

I was just trying to offer you some information and tips.

And I appreciate it, from the bottom of my butt (which everyone knows is where the baby comes out).


Awww. I'm sorry. Would you like to touch my belly?

No. Last time you made it weird.

Don't hide from your feelings, doll. They'll always find a way of catching up to you.

Any more questions?????!?!?!?!? :-D

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