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Friday, March 15, 2013

So I watched the newest Twilight movie ...

As I've said before, I'm not really into Twilight. And by that I mean that I have read not a word of any of the books, and up til this past weekend, I had watched a cumulative total of around 10 minutes of footage from all the movies. But then ... it happened.

You see, Jesse has seen all the Twilight movies. It started many years ago, long before he met me, when he was dating the kind of chick who not only wanted to watch Twilight, but DEMANDED that her boyfriend watch Twilight with her (frankly, I'm as shocked as you are that the relationship didn't last). But after he'd put in the time to sit through the first movie, he just sort of kept watching. He was in Iraq and bought a bootleg of the second one for $.25. When the third one came out, he rented it on Red Box while I was out of town because f**k it, he'd already seen the first two. And so when the final installment arrived at our local Red Box kiosk, Jesse wanted to watch it, just to say he'd seen the whole series. And this is how I was Shanghaied into watching an entire Twilight movie.

As you'd all expect, I hated it. I thought it was the worst movie I had ever seen in my life. I laughed out loud at things that weren't supposed to be funny -- at least six times. By the time it was over, I told Jesse I ought to punch him in the face for making me waste that much of my life. And told him to immediately take the movie back to the Red Box kiosk because the prospect of forgetting to return it and having to pay an additional dollar for it was enough to make me homicidal.

Here are the top few stupidest things in the movie (given that I didn't really understand what was happening since I had zero background in the story):

-- Kristen Stewart's front teeth should have had second billing in the cast list, because DAMNNNN GIRL. 


-- The Taylor Lautner character is in love with a baby? So the parents are mad for like one second and then are like "nah, it's cool. He should totally babysit all the goddamned time. I trust him. He's a grown man who considers himself soul-married to our baby. I bet he will never do anything weird like try to have sex with her, especially given that she ages like 10 times faster than a regular person so she'll reach sexual maturity at around age 2." That is so unbelievably retarded I can't even wrap my mind around it.

Creepy adults and young girls don't really mix, as Jean Reno and Natalie Portman aptly demonstrated in Leon: The Professional

-- In the scene where Bella's father -- who apparently has no problem with his 17-year-old daughter running off to get married and then live in some sort of weird commune with some "adopted" kid like they're the f**king Manson family -- comes to visit, Edward brings out the baby to show to him. He is just holding the baby -- it isn't doing any weird vampire stuff or anything.

You guys.

You guys.



Why could they not use a real baby!??!?! The baby is literally doing nothing except being held!!!!! They probably could have just borrowed a baby from somebody working on the movie. Shit, if I had a baby, I'd be like, "sure, Robert Pattinson can hold my baby for two seconds in this movie. What a neat story that could be for when the kid is grown up!"

But no. No no no. They computer-animated a baby.


Really, really badly.

Looks just like a real baby! IF YOU HAVE GLAUCOMA.

This decision was so offensive to both Jesse and me that we would both burst out laughing at various points throughout the rest of the film because we were just reminiscing about how "I can't believe they did a CGI baby. That's so stupid it hurts."

Hey Edward, I think Bella cheated on you with the kid from Polar Express.

-- The entire plot is based around a misunderstanding that could have very easily been resolved with one bloody phone call. Or hell, don't use a phone -- you're vampires, use some mind-control shit. "Hello, Volturi? I know you're mad because you think we made an immortal child, which is frowned-upon, but actually she's half-vampire half-mortal and so we didn't do anything wrong."  "Oh really? Cool, what a relief. I mean I'll have to see the child for myself to make sure you're telling the truth, but that shouldn't be a problem. Should I come to you or do you want to come to me here?"  "We'll come to you -- it's no problem. See you shortly!"

Or, you could spend weeks and weeks building up armies to fight each other. That's ... that's cool too.

Nobody wanted to miss out on this.

-- The armies they build up to fight each other are hilariously tiny.

When, after an INTERMINABLY LONG AND DRAWN-OUT WAIT, the two armies are finally facing each other across a snowy field, the camera pans from angry face to angry face, focusing on those crazy vampire eyes and the growling of the wolf things, and it all looks very intense.


And then the camera switches to a wide-angle long shot where you can clearly see that each side has like thirty people tops. I've seen bigger brawls break out in elementary school.

Wamp womp.

At this point in the movie, I started laughing so hard I had to leave the room. I was done. DONE.

And then there was a twist that made the whole thing even stupider, and we turned it off before it even ended and it was back in the Red Box machine five minutes later. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

Seriously. A CGI baby.

A fucking CGI baby.

F**k you too, Twilight. Right in your ass.

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