Before I launch into the types of idiot Facebook commenters, I just want to mention that the idiots in question, who suck so, SOOOOOO much, are not my friends so much as they are my friends' friends. If my own Facebook friends said such stupid things on a regular basis, I would have deactivated my account a long time ago. And for those of you who are stuck with these people, boy am I ever sorry.
And so, without further ado, here are the categories of WORST FACEBOOK COMMENTERS:
You may recognize the first two comments as being perfectly reasonable responses to someone accomplishing something they are proud of. It's great to support our friends, and one of the nice things about Facebook is how it grants instant access to a whole cheerleading squad of people who care about you and want to see you succeed. Feeling like you'll never get the weight off? Say something on Facebook and you're sure to get some encouragement from friends and family who believe in you. Thrilled that you passed the exam you've been studying for for so long? Post that shit and then bask in the totally well-earned adulation you get from the people who know how much that means to you.
The over-affirmer is not a normal person, though. The over-affirmer takes their ass-kissing so far beyond the pale that you start to wonder what their goal actually is. Do they think you're suicidal and the only thing keeping you alive is their obvious, over-the-top ego stroking? Are they trying to get you in the sack??
The over-affirmer thinks that everything you say is the funniest thing in the entire world. They will encourage your every attempt at humor, and even when you weren't trying to be funny at all, THEY'RE LAUGHING. Because that's what a good friend does -- laugh at absolutely everything like a deranged toddler who just ate a tray of pot brownies.
The over-affirmer is so ready to fight any battle for you that you actually wonder if she might be dangerous.
The over-affirmer truly believes that there is nothing you can't do, including things that you can't do, things that are utterly insane, and things that you are clearly joking about.
I suppose over-affirmers mean well, and really think that they're just being good, supportive friends. But seriously? No. They are crazy. Dangerously unhinged lunatics. And whenever I see that one of my Facebook friends has attracted an over-affirmer (they're easy to spot since they will leave comments of affirmation on LITERALLY EVERY STATUS), I scream "YOU SUCKKKKK" at the computer screen.
And I consider warning the person that they might want to watch out for the over-affirmer in real life -- if Crazy Pants starts measuring you, suddenly takes up sewing, encourages you to gain some weight while she herself tries to lose weight -- these are all signs that she is planning on killing you and making a suit from your skin. Run away.
The person who posts a follow-up joke that is so unfunny, everyone else quits playing
Part of the fun of posting on Facebook is how interactive it is. You post something kind of funny, but then your friends chime in with contributions and the whole thing just gets funnier and funnier. And then the Joke Ruiner shows up ... and the party is over.
The joke was comparing the stairmaster with anal sex, Joke Ruiner. Your weird remark about treating hemorrhoids is utterly unwelcome and totally ruins everyone's buzz.
He's making inside jokes with himself (did his mother-in-law cook you dinner? What?! The f**k?! That doesn't even make any sense!); he's crossing way over the line; he's gross and insensitive and random ...
Joke Ruiner: YOU SUCK. YOU SUCK SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH.
The fact/grammar/spelling corrector
Everyone hates this person. I don't even need to give examples, at least of the spelling and grammar correction part. If you ever feel compelled to correct someone's spelling or grammar in a Facebook status, ask yourself just what you hope to gain from it other than a feeling of superiority. And then ask if that feeling of superiority is worth pissing off everyone you know.
The same goes for the fact-corrector. It's one thing if someone posts something that is actually MEANINGFULLY incorrect and so you want to help them avoid spreading misinformation (example: that Brady Campaign poster that said "a rape can last 30 seconds, but a murder lasts forever" was a fake. So if someone posted it thinking it was real, the polite thing to do would be to quickly inform the person that the poster isn't real -- it was made by someone trying to stoke outrage, and it worked).
But most of the time, the fact-corrector shows up to correct facts that are utterly irrelevant to the point being made in the status. Anyone with a brain is perfectly able to understand what the poster was trying to say ... so what is the point in "correcting" their work?
I'm convinced these people are just assholes who weren't hugged enough as children.
Somebody just kill that guy. It's obvious that's what he wants.
The offended person
I have written several posts about what topics and pictures I consider to be non-Facebook-appropriate. However, I would never in a million years actually go onto someone's page and comment that I don't think they should have posted something. Your Facebook page is your own place to put whatever you want, and just like I wouldn't go into your bedroom and demand you take down your Free Tibet posters (ENSLAVE TIBET!!!), I'm not about to police your Facebook wall by pouting whenever you disagree with me. You have full freedom to make yourself look like as much of an idiot as you'd like, posting all the pictures of hot dogs and your kid's shit that your camera can produce.
The offended person disagrees, however. Not only are they butthurt by what you've posted, but they think that you should take it down. They think that your opinions ought to be kept to yourself ... and their opinion, unlike your opinion, needs to be shared as widely as possible. Because, you know, it's correct and shared by everyone. Obviously.
"Offended" only succeeds in making herself look like an asshole, because Bo is right -- if you don't like what someone is saying, YOU CAN IGNORE IT. VERY EASILY.
So, to the "Offended" commenter who shows up every so often: YOU SUCK. YOU SUCK SO VERY VERY MUCH.
The person who doesn't get jokes
How much does the person who doesn't get jokes suck? They suck so much that I have to write a whole post just about them. So stay tuned.
And in the meantime, if you notice that you have a regular commenter who fits into one of the above categories, try adding them to your "restricted" list so they can't comment anymore. Sure, you'll feel a little bad, since they almost all mean well and are trying to help (I mean, the corrector probably truly believes that he can cure you of 30 years of confusing "your" and "you're" with just one snarky reply!). But you'll be so much happier when you don't have to listen to them anymore.
And I'll end up shouting at my computer screen less. Which, trust me, is a good thing.