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Monday, April 8, 2013

My amazing superpowers

After a last-minute business trip last week prevented me from doing much in the way of writing blog posts, I'll try to make it up to you this week. But I still don't have a lot of time today, so instead of doing another movie review, I will regale you with this list of my amazing superpowers so that we can all work together to come up with a superhero name for me. I'm sure you'll be pretty amazed by these things that I am able to do:

I am impervious to brain freeze

Brain freeze, aka Ice Cream Headache, is that thing that apparently happens to people who drink something really cold really fast. They get a headache that looks pretty painful, and they hold their temples dramatically for several long seconds while they wait for the effect to pass. Science supposedly doesn't know why this happens, but it happens to everyone who is fool enough to chug a milkshake as fast as they can.

EVERYONE EXCEPT ME. I have never had brain freeze in my life. I am immune to it. If I chug a milkshake, my esophagus itself will get really cold for a second, and that's it. It is superhuman.

Oh, never mind -- looks like science has sorted it out after all. It's caused by ice cream literally entering your brain.

I look best in cheap jeans

At several points in my life, I have decided it was worth it to spend the money on a decent pair of jeans. So I would go shopping, having silently approved the spending of up to $100 on ONE pair. And I never find anything I like. I have hated 100% of the Seven Jeans I've tried on (and I've tried on a lot). I've hated 100% of the Juicy jeans I've tried on. If they cost more than $50, I will end up hating them.

Expensive jeans just don't look right on me, ever. But then I go somewhere like Old Navy and try on a pair of $22 jeans, and lo and behold, THEY LOOK AMAZING. For the past several years, my two favorite pairs of jeans were a $19 pair from Aeropostale and an $18 pair that is Roxy-brand (you know, Roxy, that company that made female surfer stuff like ten years ago? Apparently they still exist, and occasionally make jeans that retail for less than $20). And then this weekend I just augmented my supply with a pair from Old Navy. I expect them to last me a good five years before they need replacing.

So, TAKE THAT, Expensive Jeans Industry! I'll save my money for other stuff, like, I dunno, a nice lunch or something. Me and my superhero lower half have thwarted you again!

Screw you, Seven Jeans! I DO NOT CARE FOR YOU.

I was born without wisdom teeth

Some people have four wisdom teeth that have to be painfully and expensively removed sometime in young adulthood. Some lucky souls only have two wisdom teeth to extract.

I was born with ZERO.

That's right -- I have never and will never have to experience the anesthesia, the yanking, the drooling blood, the "dry sockets" and the Vicodin dependence that come with wisdom teeth removal. My face will never swell up into something resembling a chipmunk storing nuts in its cheeks. Because I'm a f**king superhero.

This person is jealous of my superhero status.

I can pee anywhere

Pee-shyness is something most men will have trouble understanding. That's because they have hardware that makes the whole act a lot easier to pull off in sub-standard conditions.

But I do not let my female handicap slow me down. If I have to go, I can drop trou and get it done no matter where I am or what's going on around me. Obviously, finding a toilet is still the ideal, but going behind a tree the width of my little finger or squatting next to a wall while giving the stink-eye to the homeless guy watching me are also perfectly valid options.

I know, buddy. I know.

I can pack for any trip with just a backpack and a duffel bag

With the exception of actually MOVING somewhere, I generally travel with a backpack and a small duffel bag and that's it. It doesn't matter where I'm going, or for what purpose, or for how long -- somehow, I will condense my packing needs so that all my clothes and shoes fit into a small duffel bag while my computer, travel entertainment, and bathroom stuff goes into a backpack.

I have traveled for work trips with suits rolled up and stuffed into the bag along with workout clothes to hit the gym and 'civilian' clothes for my off-hours. I have traveled for weddings with fancy dresses and shoes in the duffel bag; I have packed enough clothes for a ten-day trip into a bag weighing about ten pounds. I never have to worry about finding enough space in the overhead bin on the airplane because I never even need to bring a roll-aboard suitcase.

Is this a superpower?

Yes. Yes it is.

My bag is basically a clown car.

Of course, these superpowers are also offset by superhero weaknesses, such as my complete and utter inability to choose the right line at the grocery store (the one I choose will always ALWAYS become the slowest-moving one as soon as I stand in it). But I can't be good at everything -- that wouldn't be fair to the rest of you! 

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