Terrible Movie Reviews: Con Air

Con Air is easily among the worst movies ever made. It stars a bunch of people I hate, badly acting their way through the stupidest plot in cinema history.

Con Air is the story of some prisoners who escape from an airplane. But it's also a beautiful story of justice and honor and doing the right thing even when it's hard. Probably.

It stars my old favorite friend Nicolas Cage, who plays a former Army Ranger who goes to jail for using excessive force to subdue someone who was attacking his pregnant wife. Because if there's one thing juries in this country love to do, it's send military veterans to jail for defending their pregnant wives against drunken attackers. Happens all the time. Totally feasible.

Naturally, I had this picture saved already, as it shows up in every post I write that involves Nicolas Cage.

It is important to note, however, that in this movie, he looks like even more of a f**king jackass than usual:

Pictured: enormous jackass.

So anyway, there's poor Nic Cage sitting in jail and thinking about how excited he is to get out and meet his kid, who was born while he was in jail. Lucky for him, he will be getting released soon! Specifically, he will be released just as soon as a plane can fly him and a bunch of other prisoners to Alabama. GEE, I HOPE NOTHING BAD HAPPENS ON THAT FLIGHT ....... (foreshadowing -- something bad is going to happen!!!!!!!!)

That plane looks pretty sinister, though ...

Nic Cage is, of course, not alone on that flight. There are a bunch of other bad guys too, including uber-bad-guy John Malkovich. 

John Malkovich then manages to hijack the plane after takeoff and kills a DEA agent who is on board pretending to be a prisoner for some reason. Then they go to Carson City and offload the guards and pilot, taking on some additional prisoners including the drug lord who apparently masterminded the entire plot.

But Nic Cage isn't about to let these bad guys get away with it. He adopts a brilliant strategy of trying to tell the authorities what John Malkovich's plan is while also making Malkie think he's on their side. Most of his brilliant strategy involves planting clues on dead bodies, including Dave Chappelle who is dropped out of the airplane and splats in the middle of Fresno, CA. Classy.

The authorities totally get all Nic's clues on the dead bodies so they head to some random airfield where the plane is supposed to land next. The plane sort of crash-lands there and all hell breaks loose, but not nearly as badly as the next time they crash-land (yeah, it happens twice), conveniently RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE F**KING STRIP IN LAS VEGAS. Their plane literally enters the lobby of the Sands. Y'know, because ... that's awesome.

Check out this sweet CGI:

Then the bad guys get killed/escape and get killed in really gruesome ways, and stupid Nic Cage gets home to his wife and kid. But by that point you've driven a screwdriver through your brain so what difference does it make?