New topic: RIDICULOUS PHOBIAS!!! Part 1 -- my own deepest fears

Thanks to a great tip from a reader, I have a new topic to consider in this blog: ridiculous phobias. Of course we won't be focusing on normal, common phobias like a fear of heights or spiders or something. This is not an educational blog, dumbass.

We will be focusing on absolutely ridiculous phobias that people should be ashamed of because seriously, WHAT THE F**K IS WRONG WITH YOU? HOW CAN YOU BE AFRAID OF ________? PUSSY.

Naturally, I will open this topic by making fun of myself and my own shameful phobias, of which I have two that I'm willing to cop to. Because that way, if I end up hardcore mocking any of you later, I can be like "what the hell, how are you mad? I made fun of myself first. Buy a douche to get that sand out of your vagina, STAT."

(Please feel free to let me know what your phobias are, and if they're funny enough, I'll be happy to illustrate them for you. But don't get mad afterwards or at least make sure you douche first so you can make sure the problem wasn't just sand-in-the-vagina the whole time.)

Oh, and for the record, these aren't really PHOBIAS in the traditional sense of the word -- they don't fill me with paralyzing fear or panic or anything like that. They just make me feel very, very uncomfortable and maybe a little bit paranoid. But I'm still calling them phobias. Get over it.

PHOBIA NUMBER 1: AUTOMATONOPHOBIA

This one is fairly common: the fear of inanimate objects that are intended to resemble sentient beings. Things like mannequins, robots, wax figures, etc. 

But my version of this phobia goes a step farther.

I am also very much afraid of inanimate objects that DON'T resemble sentient beings but holy shit can you imagine how scary it would be if they suddenly BECAME sentient? Like, HOW F**KING SCARY WOULD THAT BE?!?!?

The main culprit and source of my angst? Windmills.

Okay seriously.

Have you ever been driving down the highway somewhere and suddenly, very far off in the distance, you saw an itty bitty tiny little windmill, so far away you couldn't even see if it was spinning or not? 

And then you kept driving, and it got bigger. And then you got closer and you saw that it wasn't alone, but that it had friends. 

And then you got closer still and it got much, much bigger and the number of friends it had grew exponentially larger. And then you're driving right through this giant field of windmills -- hundreds of them, as far as the eye can see in both directions, as tall as any skyscraper, winging their knife-blades around in perfect sync like some sort of Nazi drill team.

These are no longer just windmills, folks. THIS IS AN ARMY OF GIANT METAL DEATH MACHINES JUST WAITING FOR THE CALL TO FIGHT AND KILL ALL HUMANS.

Windmills creep me the f**k out, and the reason is honestly that I cannot stop picturing them coming to life and straight-up murdering people like the tripod things in War of the Worlds. 

"How could they even move? They don't have legs like the tripods do." 

"HOW DOES THE MOTHERF**KING PIXAR LAMP GET AROUND, DIPSHIT? DO YOU THINK HAVING ONLY ONE LEG WILL SLOW THEM DOWN?"

The first time I saw one was on the drive from Los Angeles to Palm Springs, AT NIGHT. Yeah. I refuse to take my eyes off them the entire time they are in view, just in case they pick that exact moment to come alive. So it's best if someone else drives.

Automatonophobia, guys.

Oh hey artist, thanks for creating this totally awesome non-terrifying picture of a sea-based wind farm. I APPRECIATE IT.

PHOBIA NUMBER 2: UROPHOBIA

Urophobia = fear of urination, also known as "bashful bladder." Usually translates into the inability to pee in the presence of others.

Now, how can I have this one, you ask? Especially after I just listed my ability to pee ANYWHERE and under ANY conditions as one of my superpowers?

Simple: I don't have the usual "bashful bladder" version of urophobia. I have a fear of suddenly, uncontrollably peeing my pants.

This is for real, guys. Whenever Jesse and I are watching a horror movie and I know that a boogotcha moment is coming (you know, where something jumps out and is all BOO! GOTCHA!!!), I look away or cover my eyes. This is not because I am afraid of whatever is coming. I am afraid that the surprise of it, whenever it does pop out, will cause me to pee my pants.

Please note that I have never, not once, peed my pants because something surprised me. This is an absolutely baseless fear. I'm sure it happens to some people, sometimes, but not to me. And yet, I still look away when the boogotcha is coming. Just in case.

I will not let anyone tickle me because I think it will make me pee. Many many years ago, I was dating a man who decided it would be funny to pin down my arms and tickle me. I achieved momentary superhuman strength and overpowered him, yanking my right arm free and PUNCHING HIM DIRECTLY IN THE FACE. This happened completely by reflex -- so deep was my fear that the tickling would cause me to urinate. He was pretty mad. But seriously, don't f**king tickle me.

The one time in my life that I partook in hallucinogenic mushrooms, I actually took my pants off and went to sit outside, because I couldn't stop laughing and was afraid that the laughing would make me pee my pants. I sat outside without pants on for hours. I did not pee. But wearing pants, and dealing with the fear that I would pee in them, was enough to turn me down a dark path (which is bad when you're taking hallucinogens). So, no pants it was.


So there you go, friends. Now you know a little more about me. Stay tuned for future editions of Ridiculous Phobias -- maybe we can learn a little about more of you! If not, I'll just make some shit up. Wouldn't be the first time.

And if you want to share your stupid phobias with me, you can either leave a comment or send me an email -- patentspatented@gmail.com