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Friday, April 19, 2013

Friday Poundings: I learned something about men!

Welcome to Friday! 

So yesterday I was getting dressed for work and really had it in my head that I wanted to wear regular underwear. As in, not a thong. If you're a guy, and you don't really understand this, let me try to spell it out for you: thongs aren't terribly uncomfortable, especially if you buy decent ones, but they will never be as comfy as normal underwear. So it's kind of like the difference between jeans and sweatpants. Jeans are comfortable and all, but sweatpants are the bomb.

So I wanted to wear normal underpants. I decided to plan my outfit around this decision, but ended up changing my mind (and my pants) into something that really wasn't appropriate for this undergarments choice. I turned to Jesse and said, "ugh, these underwear and these pants don't really work. But I'm already all dressed. Most of the people in my office are men anyway; it doesn't matter too much, does it?"

And Jesse looked at me and looked at my butt, and his voice took on a sudden urgency as he blurted out that "men notice! Men totally notice that! VPL!!! We call it VPL -- Visible Panty Lines. We notice and point it out to each other and laugh!"

And I had to change my underoos because now I can't stop worrying about the men of the office elbowing each other and murmuring "VPL incoming!"

So ladies, be warned: you can get sloppy with your pantylines if you want, but apparently men are not blind to this effect. VPL.

Also, while we're on the subject of man-code that some may not be familiar with, let's talk about my FUPA. You see, the baby is making my stomach get quite a bit bigger ... but I'm not really far enough along to be considered "showing" yet. Instead, little ol' Gizmo has just given me a pronounced FUPA.

So yeah ... a FUPA is when a woman has a fat stomach but the fat is really low, down by her hips as opposed to around her belly button. There you go, Mom -- try to use that one in a sentence by the end of the day! 

Also, I have been having a pretty symptom-free ride so far but the few symptoms I have had have been totally weird.

Symptom #1: my nose runs like a faucet every time I eat.

It does not matter what I'm eating; my nose thinks it's a giant bowl of boiling-hot ramen with a 50-50 broth-to-Sriracha ratio. Nah, it's cool, nose. Do your thing. I love needing a f**king PAPER TOWEL to get through a meal.

And if you're wondering "is this really a symptom of pregnancy because that's stupid," the answer is, "yes and I totally agree with you." Many women get stuffed-up noses, and I may still get that later, but for me, it's the nose-faucet. Always the nose-faucet.

Symptom #2: sore ass from sitting.

Like, 10-hours-on-an-airplane sore -- the kind of sore where there is simply no way to readjust your posture that fixes it for more than a few minutes ... but this (haha I originally typed "butt his" haha BRAIN, KNOCK IF OFF!) ... oh yeah, okay, so BUT THIS happens to me after only an hour or two. I seriously need to buy one of those bleachers pads for the next time I fly because DAAAMN, SON, I thought my tailbone was going to fall off after my recent trip to the east coast.

Is this caused by pregnancy? Yes. Apparently all the crazy hormones cause you to release something called "relaxin", which makes things, you know, RELAX. Which will be all great later on when baby is a giant watermelon hanging off my front and trying to snap all my ligaments just for a laugh, but what good is all this relaxin now, exactly? All it does is somehow lead to sore ass, runny faucet nose, and occasional heartburn. THANKS FOR NOTHING, HORMONES.

Symptom #3: raw tongue.

My tongue is red, raw, and swollen. The only time this has ever happened to me before is when I would eat like 15 Warheads candies at once. But apparently strange tongue/mouth issues are also on the list of pregnancy symptoms. WHAT. THE F**K.

Oh, but --- BUT!!!! Remember how I said I had replanted my Aerogardens? THEY'RE SPROUTING EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

I wonder how long it will be before another post curses them into the ground for being such bastards? I give it a month and a half.

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