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Friday, May 3, 2013

Friday Poundings: Sh*t yeah it's May bro!

In typical Friday Poundings style, this post will be absolutely all over the place and filled with run-on sentences because in my head I'm just talking really fast without pausing for breath so that's how I want you to read it because dammit THAT'S HOW I SOUND:

-- We have a wedding to attend this weekend and so I had a hard time choosing what to wear. This is because I'm at this really awkward point in my pregnancy where I just look fat as f**k. Like, I don't look definitively pregnant -- I just look like someone who carries all their weight in their stomach. A large part of the problem is that I can't really wear maternity clothes yet -- the pants just fall down/off and the shirts are really baggy and make me look dumpy. So instead, I wear my normal clothes, which fit just fine but, as I mentioned, make me look all manner of fat. This is hard for me to deal with, because I am kind of a fitness nut and have never been fat in my life.

So I picked out a dress that I think looks alright, but it's black so I bought a scarf to add some color. I told Jesse that it might be nice if he wore a tie that matched my scarf, so our outfits would look coordinated. Last night we went to the mall to find a tie for him.

IT TOOK AN HOUR AND A HALF. AN HOUR AND A HALF TO FIND ONE TIE. We went to four different stores. Eventually, we found two different ties that would work but then Jesse spent like another twenty minutes trying to decide between the two of them while I tried to tie enough ties together to make myself a noose. By the time he finally picked one and we could go home, it was way past usual dinnertime and I was tired and cranky and we got in this big fight on the way home because it took him so long to pick his tie that we wouldn't get to watch Django Unchained and then I realized that holy shit we are adults and look at us having the lamest fight any married couple could ever have. "You took so long choosing a tie that would coordinate with my scarf that now we won't be able to watch this movie because it is very long and we go to bed at 8PM."

So yeah, we're pretty awesome. Let me know if you want to hang out sometime.

Oh, and then on the way out of the mall Jesse pointed at this dress that looked like something a couch would wear and he was like "that's a nice dress!" and I snorted and said I disagreed and he said "well you don't have as good of fashion sense as I do" and so now we're getting a divorce :-(

No just kidding but seriously it was a fugly dress, Jesse. What's the matter with you. Wait, was he saying I look like a couch? IS THAT WHAT HE WAS GETTING AT?

-- That commercial for the Microsoft Surface really annoys me. How the hell does a bunch of people dancing show me how functional a tech product is? IT DOESN'T. Seems like an awful lot of smoke and mirrors to hide what I assume is a shoddy product. But I am pretty interested in applying for a job at the company where they all danced with their tablets during a business meeting. I mean I like my current job but I'm just saying it's been years since I've danced during a business meeting and even then I was told to stop after only dancing for thirteen minutes. I was only a quarter of the way through my routine.

-- Both of my replanted Aerogardens are failing. Who can I blame for this? Is anyone willing to step up and take the fall? I really wanted some fresh cilantro and chives growing in my kitchen. THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

Make sure to check back on Monday for some more Patent's Charm School! The best, most emotionally hurtful way to learn about etiquette.

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