Double-headed Shart Attack: Unnecessary swearing .....

..... is my favorite kind! Believe it or not, other kinds of swearing sometimes make me uncomfortable.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "that's absolute bullshit. You swear all the time. Every other word you write is a swear. Your blog is blocked at my work because of all the swearing. You even tucked a swear into this monologue that you wrote for me, trying to force me to swear with you."

And yeah, I admit I tucked that "bullshit" in there to take away any moral high ground you may have had beforehand. You don't swear? Sure you do. You just did, right up there in the prior paragraph.

But that's neither here nor there. Just hear me out for a second on this whole swearing thing:

There are times when swearing is not cool. Like, when people get angry and start to swear, I kind of get freaked out and think "WHOA, THIS PERSON WILL LIKELY PUNCH ME." Something about an angry person screaming "F***K!" just isn't funny at all.

Okay, it's a LITTLE funny. Tee hee.

And then there are the people who swear constantly because they just don't know any other cool words or because they suck at telling stories. So instead of saying "umm" as they struggle through their story, they just say "f**kin." and they say it so many times over the course of a single sentence that you just tune out. "So then I'm f**kin waiting in this f**kin line and this f**kin chick in front of me keeps f**kin talking to her f**kin mom about some bullshit ..." and I've long ago stopped listening.

And then there's me. I do most of my swearing when I get really excited, which leads to a lot of my favorite kind of swearing (as I mentioned): the totally unnecessary kind. The kind where the subject being cursed about is totally and completely mismatched to the type of language being used to describe it. The more banal the object, the more flamboyant my cursing.

What prompted this? Well, I just wanted a snack so I opened one of my two snack drawers and looked through it to see what kind of goodies I could find. And you know what I found? MUTHAF**KIN PINEAPPLE TIDBITS, BITCH! Pineapple tidbits! You know, cut up pineapple pieces in sugar-water in a little cup with a plastic seal?

MUTHAF**KIN PINEAPPLE TIDBITS ARE THE MUTHAF**KIN SHIT, YO!

Please keep in mind that my actual inner monologue included the phrase "motherf**kin pineapple tidbits, f**k yeah!" when I saw them in the drawer. I don't just say these things to be funny -- I actually think them all on my own because my brain is a moron.

So, with that background, please note that there is not much purpose to this post (it IS Friday, after all) except to give examples of unnecessary swearing. For no reason except that this sort of thing makes me giggle. And also, since I'm a little too lazy to draw a bunch of stick figures, I'm just going to use random Google images and give them speech bubbles. Don't expect it to make sense.