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Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Ridiculous Movie Reviews: Point Break

You may have noticed up til now that most of my movie reviews have had this sarcastic tone to them. A tone that suggested that maybe, just maybe, I didn't actually like the movies I was reviewing. And it is with a heavy heart that I must confess that indeed, I didn't think very highly of movies like Red Dawn, Con Air, Twister, or Top Gun. You caught me.

But today's post will be different. Because Point Break achieves a level of excellence that the rest of the movies I've reviewed can only dream about.

What is Point Break? Simply put, it is the story of a federal agent who goes undercover with a gang of surfers who also rob banks. A federal agent who suddenly finds the lines between his real self and his undercover persona blurring. It's a gripping tale, and one of the best movies of all time.

"Twenty-seven banks in three years. Anything to catch the perfect wave."
So inspiring.

Here are the top five best things about Point Break, in no particular order because it's impossible to rank them so they are all #1:
1. Keanu Reeves as the FBI agent
1. Patrick Swayze as the villainous leader of the surfer gang
1. Gary Busey as Gary Busey.
1. PATRICK SWAYZE AS THE VILLAINOUS LEADER OF THE SURFER GANG. You know, Patrick Swayze. From Ghost. And Dirty Dancing. And Roadhouse.

This guy. Surfer villain.

So the movie starts with rookie FBI agent Keanu Reeves (who plays a character named Johnny Utah, which is such a ridiculous name that I am actually going to call him that for the rest of this review) and his partner Gary Busey investigating some bank robberies. A gang of fellows has been dressing up in President masks and robbing banks, and that shit needed to stop. So they figure out that it may have been surfers doing the robbing, and that meant it was Johnny Utah's time to shine.

I Googled "Keanu Reeves Point Break." Now let's see how many pictures there are on the first page of results where he makes this same face.

This isn't even the whole first page.

Just one problem: he didn't know how to surf. Now, it can be pretty tricky to ingratiate yourself into a gang of surfers if you are not a surfer. So Johnny Utah had to learn on the quick. And guess who showed up to teach him? Orphan surfer chick Lori Petty (you know, the sister from A League of their Own? Tank Girl? The whale trainer in Free Willy???).

She had a pretty unique look in Tank Girl.

There's probably a montage or something of Johnny Utah learning to surf while also falling in love with Lori Petty. I don't really remember, but if I were a Hollywood filmmaker, I would 10000% use a montage to tell that part of the story. I mean, that's what montages were invented for.

You gotta have a montage .... MONTAAAAAGE!

She thinks you're kind of a douche, but yet you're still kinda cute!


She's gonna teach you to ride, but she's all deaaaad inside!


She thinks you totally suck, but she would still like to $#%* ...


Oh shit she's falling for you, Keanu what should you do??


It's time to bang out that chick, show her your Keanu $*#@ ....


Oh, and while they're falling in love via montage, Johnny Utah starts to get in with Patrick Swayze's surfer gang. They are some pretty cool dudes. Like, they are Buddhists or something, and adrenaline junkies, and they do all kinds of crazy shit like going surfing at night.

Wow. Pretty sick burn.

As Johnny Utah gets in tighter with this group (they accept him because he was a high school football star, which apparently means a lot to a group of 30-somethings who surf and rob banks), he kind of starts to like their philosophy. And Gary Busey is all:

So now Johnny Utah is torn, because he figures out that this gang of surfers is totally the same group who puts on President masks and robs banks ... but he also has a serious bromance going on with Patrick Swayze. And eventually Pat finds out that Johnny Utah is a cop, but he also has this little bromance thing to think about. So he does what any normal guy would do in that situation and forces Johnny Utah to go skydive-surfing (you know, where you jump out of a plane and surf through the air, then open your parachute and eventually catch a wave and surf in to the beach? Surely you've heard of this, if you haven't actually done it). 

Okay it turns out they weren't actually wearing surfboards when they skydived, which is entirely less exciting than I remembered.

He also kidnaps Tank Girl, and then uses her as leverage to force Johnny Utah to go rob one last bank with them, because ... ?

Naturally, this last bank heist is a fiasco, as all "one last hurrahs" in movies turn out to be. A bunch of people end up getting killed, including ... SPOILER ALERT ... Gary Busey!!!


So then the bad guys try to escape to Mexico, and Johnny Utah is hot on their tail, and they do the unthinkable and jump out of an airplane with the only parachutes, leaving Johnny Utah stuck on a crashing plane without a parachute!

But he is a badass, so he jumps out of the plane anyway and catches Patrick Swayze in midair, so they kind of hump each other awkwardly and then use the same parachute to reach the ground safely. Johnny Utah gets his girlfriend back and Patrick Swayze escapes.

Genetically-modified corn products aren't going to protest themselves, guys.

But if you thought that was the end of the movie, YOU'RE WRONG. It actually ends with them all in Australia many months later because some crazy once-in-a-lifetime storm will be making the biggest waves in the world and Johnny Utah KNOWS that Patrick Swayze will come out of hiding to ride them. And sure enough, he does, and they tussle in the surf like lovers, but then Patrick Swayze is all "let me ride the one last big wave man and then I will go to jail" and Johnny Utah is all "okay bro" and then Patrick Swayze goes and rides the wave and dies and Johnny Utah throws his FBI badge in the ocean because f**k this shit, dude.

GOD what a great movie.

Also, do you know who directed it?

Academy Award winner Kathryn Bigelow.

The chick that made The Hurt Locker and Zero Dark Thirty.

Made Point Break.


Also, it turns out that this review got a little bit sarcastic as well. Sorry about that.

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