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Friday, July 19, 2013

Friday Poundings: A rant about bathroom attendants

Mark my words, friends: I will NEVER tip a bathroom attendant. Ever. Not even with the nickel I found on the toilet seat. That's my toilet seat nickel now. It's not for you.

Why? Because I hate bathroom attendants. Passionately.

First of all, they don't actually provide any helpful service. I am quite able to use the restroom and wash my hands without help. Just ask my mommy -- I've been doing it all by myself since I was like 14. (before then, it was poop on the walls and poop on the counter. Terrible). 

I really, really don't need someone to get a paper towel out of the dispenser for me. It's already motion-activated for god's sake!!! Just step on out of my way and let me do my thing.

But more importantly, not only do they not provide any helpful service, but they actually make my bathroom experience worse. Like most people, if given the choice, I prefer to use the restroom in private. Admit it -- when you walk into a public bathroom and find that you're the only one in there, you smile a little. Don't you? I know I do. I think, "hey, I have this whole bathroom all to myself!!! I could take a poop if I wanted! I could talk to myself while I pee! I could let out little groans along the way and nobody would know about it!!" It's not that I will actually do any of those things, but it's nice to know that I could if I wanted to. Finding privacy in a public space is just this special little slice of heaven that can really brighten my day.

But if there's a bathroom attendant, then you will never be alone in there. Never. You can't even wait them out, hiding silently in the stall listening to water, soap, paper towel, and then finally door so that you can let out that massive fart you've been holding onto for the past half hour. Nope; that bathroom attendant isn't going anywhere. No pooping or groaning for you. Looks like you'll be taking that fart home with you after all.

I mean, we're talking about a person who is paid to listen to you pee.

Paid to listen to you pee. And prevent you from farting. That's so rude.

I don't like people listening to me pee and preventing me from farting.


Sometimes they try to make small talk. "How's your evening going?" "Doing anything for the holidays?"

I'm like, shut up. I don't talk to creepy bathroom stalkers. If some random person in the bathroom started yapping at me, I'd make a weird face at them and hurry the hell out of there. Why does it make any difference if the person in question was hired and paid to be a creepy bathroom stalker? You are a person who spends hours upon hours talking to people in a bathroom. That's weird.

Now, there are those who argue that I should STILL tip the bathroom attendant because that's a really sucky job and they don't make much money and they do at least try to help by giving me a paper towel and offering me a handy-j. But you know what? I'd be more likely to give them money if they were panhandling in the street outside, because at least panhandlers aren't LISTENING TO ME PEE and BEING REALLY CREEPY and MAKING ME INCREDIBLY UNCOMFORTABLE.

I don't pay people for doing that. Sorry.

So ... does anyone actually like bathroom attendants? I'm really curious. Is there seriously even one single person who likes them and thinks they provide a service? Because if not ... can we just stop with the whole thing? I know I would appreciate it.

And since this wouldn't be a proper Friday Poundings post without at least one sudden change of direction to a completely different topic, I would like to take this opportunity to expand on Wednesday's post about old people and technology with this:

You will appear old if you don't realize that you can find almost anything by googling it

It is amazing to me how helpless some people are when it comes to finding things online. Unless you send them a direct link, they act like locating the picture/video/article/website/registry would be absolutely impossible.

Dear old people ... Google.

Take this blog, for example. If I meet someone in person who wants to read my blog, I often tell them the name of the blog and explain where "Double-headed shart attack" came from so they're more likely to remember it. Young folks just nod and say they'll find it themselves. Old people look at me with terror because Google is a straight-up mystery to them.

You can easily find this blog by googling "Patent's Patented blog" or "Double-headed Shart Attack." You can find it by googling something approximating the title of any post. I believe in you, old people -- you can do it! Even without a link!!!

(You can also find it by googling "sharting during pregnancy", "pile of crap", "prank goes wrong guy sharts on friend", or "perkie tities facebookpics". Yeah, Blogger lets me know what people have been googling to find my blog. I often post the results because they are straight f**ked up, yo.)

Not sure how it works? Just click this handy link right here for a demonstration (no seriously please click the link. You won't regret it.)

Let's learn Google!


I am troubled by this.

Very troubled.

Also, I often share the ridiculous things people have googled to find the blog on my Facebook page, which you should like at

And you should follow me on Twitter because I post a lot more stuff on there now that I got the hang of it. Regular Facebook is boring to me now. I demand more interaction. INTERACT WITH ME DAMMIT! INTERACT WITH MEEEEEEEEEEEEE.


  1. Well, thankfully you've fallen to the fifth result?

    1. WHAT??! This is a travesty! I secretly LOVED being the fourth search result for "perkie tities facebookpics"!!! Ugh, how am I going to attract new readers if it's so difficult to find my blog?!?!? :-P