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Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Old people vs. technology

I'm using the word "old" in that really annoying way where I'm not actually talking about ELDERLY people but just people who are older enough than me that I feel kinda superior to them. Even though I'm not as young as I used to be myself.

We all know that old people and technology don't mix. So, how can you ensure that your "Just For Men" dye job and $2000 boob lift (you're a weird one alright) are actually successful at making you seem a lot younger than you are? Just follow these simple guidelines and you'll be dating a college student in no time. Which I assume is the goal. Because ... duh.

Ugh, how do I even pick one?!


You will appear old if you brag to someone younger than you about the neat things your phone can do

If you just realized that you can play Words with Friends online from your phone and you're amazed by that, please keep your amazement to yourself (or only share it with people your own age or older). Odds are that the younger generation has been playing Words with Friends online from their phone since back when you were learning about "text messages." (HOW DO I TYPE BY PUSHING THE NUMBERS? HOW DO THEY MAKE LETTERS? WHERE IS THE SPACE BAR? THIS ISN'T WORKING AT ALL -- I THINK IT'S BROKEN). 

You're embarrassing yourself.

Get with it, Grandma.


You will appear old if you aren't aware of/don't know how to use the most basic apps/features that come standard on your phone

Another part of this past weekend's Portland adventure was discovering that my mother does not know how to use Google maps on a phone. She has had an iPhone for longer than I have, but Google maps/Apple maps remain beyond her capabilities.

I mean ... doesn't everyone know what the blue dot is? Isn't that knowledge that we are born with??

Then there are the people who aren't aware that their smart phones can connect to wireless networks.

Ugh, Dad, this is as bad as the time you wore sandals with tube socks to my middle school awards ceremony.

And then there are the people who aren't aware that wifi internet is a thing at all.

Your children will NEVER come visit you until you get wifi.


You will appear old if you insist that something is broken simply because you don't know how to use it

Oh, I am guilty of this. I admit it freely.

One of these days, though, I am going to be right. One of these days the damn thing is going to turn out to be broken and then I will have the last laugh after all!!!!!

Even if I have to break it myself.


You will appear old if you don't know how to operate all the electronics in your own home

Your roots are showing, and they ain't blonde.


You will appear old if you express legitimate concern about "Chinese hackers" stealing your personal information

Seriously? Your bank account has like $367 in it and your password is your dog's name. No one is trying to hack you, and if they were, it would take like three seconds. And it would probably be your own family members, since they not only know your password; they also know that you don't know how to check your account balance online because the internet is broken and you're old. Speaking of which, time to log into my mom's Facebook account and change her profile picture to this:

Wonder how many weeks will go by before she notices!


You will appear old if you prefer to deal in cash because you "don't trust" electronic financial transactions


So, how old are you according to your tech habits? I still don't like my iPhone, but at least I know how to use it.

And hey, did you know you can actually check the weekend weather forecast right from your phone? AMAZING, right??? Boy, next thing you know I'll be able to deposit checks without having to go to the bank during my lunch break (boy, how inconvenient are their hours, right?!)! Then they'll just have to come up with a way to check if my flight is on time without having to call the airline, and I'll be all set.

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