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Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Terrible Movie Reviews: ERASER

Eraser is my FAVORITE bad Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. Yes, I know there are plenty of other bad Arnold Schwarzenegger movies to choose from ... but for some reason, Eraser has and will always have a special place in my heart. This is specifically because of the alligator scene, if you must know. If you've seen the movie, you'd best know what I'm talking about. If you don't remember the alligator scene, you should just kill yourself.

Eraser stars Vanessa Williams (remember her? The chick that won Miss America but then they took away her crown because she did porn? And she sang the Colors of the Wind song for Pocahontas or whatever?) as some kind of high-ranking employee at a company that does mysterious and mostly bad things. In her role as a high-ranking employee at said company, she gets her hands on some evidence of wrongdoing at the highest levels, and decides to go all Edward Snowden on the place.

For shame, Vanessa. For shame.

The problem is, this was back in the olden days, and the proof Vanessa Williams took from her shady employers was stored on, like, a floppy disk or something.

Haha, remember these things??!

Since she couldn't upload the files to a Google doc or post them to Wikileaks or Reddit or something, she had to keep real careful track of that floppy disk. But of course, there were bad guys ... and the bad guys wanted that floppy disk GONE and Vanessa Williams DEAD.

Though if I recall correctly, there are much easier ways to destroy a floppy disk. Like, couldn't you just pull the magnetic part out and sneeze on it or something? Or get it within five feet of a common refrigerator magnet? What I'm trying to say is, floppy disks suck.

So Vanessa makes a copy of the disk and gives it to a reporter (the olden-days version of Reddit) but the bad guys kill the reporter and we're back to just one copy of the disk. Making copies of floppy disks is a pain in the ass, guys. Don't you remember? It takes forever! Plus this one was encrypted or something and the password wasn't Password123 so one copy was the best we were going to do.

The password couldn't be "Password123" because that would be too long. I bet it's "12345".

After some bad guys come to Vanessa's house to kill her with mysterious guns that can see through walls and shoot around corners (THEY HAVE GUNS THAT CAN DO THIS BUT THEY CAN'T BUILD A BETTER STORAGE DEVICE THAN A BLOODY FLOPPY DISK?), Arnold comes to her rescue and puts her into witness protection. Also, during this scene, they throw a pipe bomb filled with nails into Vanessa's kitchen and Arnold gets one right in his hand. Then they blow up her house. They're quite dramatic.

Ka-pow! And Arnold just pulls the nail out of his hand like it's whatever. He's a nut!

So anyway, now Vanessa is in witness protection and Arnold has told her not to trust anyone except him. And it's a good thing, because the bad guys have apparently infiltrated witness protection and are going to lure her out and kill her.

For some reasons that I can't quite recall, Vanessa Williams goes to the New York Zoo to meet Arnold. But it isn't actually Arnold that called her to meet -- it was the bad guys. She kind of knows something is up, so she brings along the gun that Arnold gave her and shoots a bad guy in the leg with it. This is where all hell breaks loose. The bad guys are there, and everyone is running around the zoo shooting at each other. With the exception of her point-blank leg shot, Vanessa has terrible aim and misses everything, succeeding only in embarrassing herself. I mean, why even bring a gun if you're going to be that awful at hitting things with it? Sheesh.

But where is Arnold?? Oh yeah, he got kidnapped or something and bad guys push him out of an airplane? Or maybe he crashes the airplane? I don't remember. All I know is that Arnold is falling through the air with a perilous parachute situation going on. He has to chase the parachute in freefall and then he gets hit with an airplane and falls onto a car. All of this really happens in the movie.

This also happens.

Somehow it all works out though and he gets to the zoo just in the nick of time, grabbing Vanessa away from the bad guys and taking her to hide in the Reptile House.

Then the alligator scene happens. It is the best moment in film history outside of SyFy channel movies that probably stole the idea from Eraser in the first place. So no shit there they are, in the Reptile House. Vanessa is basically just really stupid dead weight at this point while Arnold fights all the bad guys, because that's what happens with beautiful women in movies and especially in scenes that take place in Reptile Houses. But somehow, over the course of all the fighting, the alligators escape from their tank. And so now the bad guys and the good guys are fighting whilst alligators roam free and try to attack them, because why not.

And then ...


omigod I'm so excited to write this next part I'm going to pee my pants I'm so excited ...

THE BAD GUYS GET EATEN BY TERRIBLE CGI ALLIGATORS. <-- this is a link to a clip of the scene. Please watch it and try not to laugh. You don't even need to turn the sound on.

First bad guy gets eaten.

Second bad guy gets eaten.

Third bad guy gets eaten.

Alligator moments before Arnold shoots it in the face. RAWR!

That's not lipstick; that's the blood of the DAMNED!

I don't even give a shit what else happens in the movie at this point. I think it turns out the bad guys have infiltrated the witness protection program right up to the highest levels, and a bunch more people get killed, and Vanessa Williams gets kidnapped to some dock full of bad guys, and blah blah blah ...


No shit, this is the climax of the movie.

Who the hell cares how the movie ends at that point? With so many awesome scenes, if you haven't seen this movie then you are MISSING. OUT. Go rent it right now. Watch the alligator scene over and over again. Pee your pants. Poop your pants.


Oh yeah, also as part of the climax of the movie, Arnold gets his hands on two of those heat-seeking around-the-corner guns that shoot waves of blue energy. "How can he possibly fire two of them at the same time?" you ask. "Not only would they be impossible to aim, but the recoil would knock him flat on his ass!" And to this I say only, shut the hell up. You suck. Nobody likes you.

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