The struggle is real: Being pregnant is like wearing a watermelon strapped to your front

(Note: after some self reflection, I've decided to edit the hell out of this post because the previous version wasn't something I was proud of. Hopefully this updated version is better)

I've been thin and athletic my entire life. I've never had a debilitating injury that made it hard to do things. I'm young. And so, it wasn't until I was very heavily pregnant that I gained any understanding at all of what it's like to struggle with basic tasks.

Here are a few things that pregnancy has taught me about the world:

1

Yes, it IS possible to get food stains and crumbs all over your shirt without noticing

Pre-pregnancy, if I found myself eating a little too aggressively, the crumbs, drips, and associated messes would always just fall into my lap. I could brush or wipe them off right away, and if need be, I could use a little water to inconspicuously clean the spot right there at the meal table, and it would be pretty much completely dry by the time I got up. I also always put a napkin in my lap to catch any runaway food.

Now, food and drips don't stand a chance of making it to my lap where they could be dealt with safely. No, no -- instead, they fall directly onto the shelf of my belly and stay there until I either notice an embarrassing amount of time later, or until someone points it out to me. Which is also, ahem, pretty embarrassing.

But it was a good hamburger.

The other day, I was eating a cupcake and I was totally leaning over the table as best I could. But belly makes leaning over difficult. I took a bite of my cupcake and a spray of crumbs fell down onto my stomach. I tried leaning over even farther so that this wouldn't happen again, but when I leaned over too far my stomach pressed into the edge of the table, grinding one of the chocolate cupcake crumbs into my white shirt. Jesse looked at me with disgust while I laughed so hard I thought I might pee myself.

I'm a classy broad.

So to all the people walking around with tomato soup on your shirt? I'm sorry I judged you. Turns out it happens to the best of us.

2

I look like an idiot riding the recumbent exercise bike

We have a recumbent exercise bike at home that I ride a few days a week, to break the monotony of the power-walking cycle. I love that little exercise bike.

But I look like a f**king idiot when I ride it. And why is this? Because in order to accommodate my large stomach, I have to pedal the bike with my knees out as far to the sides as possible. Otherwise, my thighs will reach my belly and it just isn't comfortable at all.

I kind of look like an adult trying to ride a child's tricycle. It's a good look for me.

Like this jackass right here.

3

Putting on socks and proper shoes: NOPE.

The only time I wear socks these days is when I work out. Socks are a pain. Do you have any idea what kind of contortions it takes to comfortably reach my feet? I have to be sitting down, but on something juuuust high enough off the ground that I can open my knees wide and lean forward to reach the ground. Otherwise we run into the same belly-crashes-into-thighs problem that we did on the exercise bike. And tying shoes? Who's got the time or energy to deal with that?!?! Did you know that when it comes time to take the shoes off, you then have to lean over and UNtie them as well?!?!?!?!

Just so we're clear, though, I will NEVER find this look acceptable on anyone other than gay men.

No, slip-ons without socks it is. Thank god ballet flats came back into style a few years ago. I don't know what I'd do otherwise.

How do people manage being pregnant in the winter?? I'd probably just wear the slip-ons anyway. To hell with socks. I don't even wear my shoes at my desk at work, because I don't want my bare feet to sweat into them and make them smell weird. Yeah, I'm barefoot right now. Barefoot in a business-casual dress. Control your jealousy if you can.

4

Once I sit down, I'm not getting back up.

Also, move your legs. I'm not stepping over them. Do you have any idea how off-balance I am with this watermelon strapped to me??

And the grunts of effort involved in my gaining my feet are not just me being dramatic. They are legit grunts of effort. It's like Monica Seles playing some tennis up in here.

Being a big ol' tubberstein ain't easy, folks. But somebody has to do it. And that somebody is me.

I call this one "standing up from a seated position"