Blog Archive

Friday, August 30, 2013

Some career ideas if you're not making enough money at your current job

Oh, we've all been there: you're working a job you hate and earning way less money than you think you deserve. Your job is hard and they're barely paying you minimum wage. But what to do? How to cope with this situation??

Simple! Get a new career!!

Here are some great ideas to get you on your way, with some advice on how to achieve success at these particular career ideas. Some of them involve a little out-of-the-box thinking, but if you really want to succeed, sometimes you have to be willing to bend/break a law here and there. Especially the laws of space-time, as you'll see.

Also, you'll probably have to be okay with murdering people.

You can do it.

Idea 1: Become a celebrity chef like Gordon Ramsey

Dudes, do you know how much money Gordon Ramsey makes? It's a lot! And he gets to do what he loves! How awesome does that sound?!?!

If you want to be successful like Gordon Ramsey, here's how you do it:

Step 1: Become an amazing chef. This part shouldn't be too hard. You can probably read some recipes online or something, I don't know. I imagine it will take about a month to master your chef skills.

Step 2: Develop an incredibly abrasive personality and shout curses at everyone you meet. Oh come on, who are you kidding -- this has already been your personality for years.

Step 3: Send a video of you cooking your amazing food and shouting curses at strangers to the Food Network. They will probably hire you immediately, but if not you can also try taking some hostages until they give you a show.

Step 4: Profit!

Idea 2: Become a Disney Channel star!

Did you see Miley Cyrus on the VMAs the other day? I didn't, but I saw some pictures and read about it and it sounds horrible! So following this particular career is pretty fraught with danger. Just try your best to remember your humble roots, and don't get all caught up in the riches and the fame or next thing you know the internet will be plastered with photos of you with a latex wedgie sticking your tongue out like a rabid chihuahua.

Here's how to become a Disney Channel star. Note that this one is a little harder than becoming a celebrity chef, but there's more money in it.

Step 1: Acquire a time machine and travel back to when you were like 13 years old.

Step 2: Become adorable and learn how to sing and dance. This will probably cost some money since you were a f**king ugly 13-year-old. Make sure you bring lots of money with you from the present when you go into your time machine.

Step 3: Send video of you singing and dancing adorably to the Disney Channel. They will probably hire you immediately, but if not you can also try taking some hostages until they give you a show.

Step 4: Profit!

Idea 3: Invent Microsoft

I don't even need to tell you why this is a good idea. Bill Gates is the richest man in the world. Clearly he's done something right!

Step 1: Get out the time machine you used for Idea 2 and use it to travel back to the early 1980s.

Step 2: Kill Bill Gates and dispose of the body somewhere nobody will ever think to look.

Step 3: Become Bill Gates and take over his life, inventing Microsoft or whatever (by the way, make sure you practice his mannerisms and get his look down before you travel back in time)

Step 4: Profit!

Idea 4: Inherit a bunch of money

Now, I know what you're thinking -- you can't just inherit a bunch of money if your parents/family members aren't already rich. Not even a time machine can make that happen for you. But hang on! Hear me out!!

Step 1: Pick a rich family with a child roughly your age. Preferably a family that you think you could handle being part of without getting too annoyed.

Step 2: Get out your time machine and travel back to when you were about 8 years old (I have figured out that this is the ideal time to put this plan into action. Don't ask how I figured it out -- just accept it.)

Step 3: When the rich family's kid goes away to summer camp, break into the summer camp and kill the kid.

Step 4: Take the kid's place. By the time you get back from summer camp, even if you look and act totally different, nobody in the rich family will notice because 1) they haven't seen the kid in months, and 2) rich families don't pay attention to their kids. Everyone knows this from watching movies.

Step 5: Profit!

Idea 5: Become a professional athlete

Okay, okay, how about an idea that DOESN'T require a time machine, right?? I mean those are pretty expensive and the whole point of this exercise is that you're NOT making enough money now!

So here's an idea that's a little easier to put into action:

Step 1: Kill Kobe Bryant

Step 2: Take Kobe Bryant's place and play in the NBA

Step 3: Profit!

See, this one is only three steps! Can't get much easier than that!!!

Following the same steps as above, you can also pursue a lucrative career as a United States Senator, a world-renowned cardiologist (those guys make HELLA money!), an inventor, or even a breeder of champion racehorses!

The life you want is right there at your fingertips!

What are you waiting for?

Go out there and BECOME SOMETHING GREAT!!!!

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