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Monday, September 9, 2013

Arts and crafts time! Drawing more shit that babies like

My niece is now almost a year old, and that baby is toy-crazy. She loves all the really interactive stuff, with lots of buttons that make lights and songs and sounds play. She wants you to watch her play with the toy, and act like you're super excited and amazed every time she pushes a button and a song plays. It's totally adorable and I love playing with kids that age.

So naturally, I started thinking about what kinds of toys I should be accumulating for my own soon-to-be offspring. I mean, I know they don't really PLAY much at first, but surely there's gotta be some stuff that newborn babies like, and I should try and have that stuff on hand before she's born, right?

So I started doing some more research into what really young babies like to do with their awake-time, hoping that I could maybe take a weekend to make a few things that the baby will enjoy.

Now you get to benefit from my research! Let's get down to arts and crafts business to make some awesome toys for babies!!! Yeah, arts and crafts! Don't worry if you're not that crafty -- this handy guide makes it easy for ANYONE to contribute to a newborn baby's toy bin!

When babies are first born, their vision is pretty terrible. They can only see like a foot in front of their face, and they can't really handle a lot of colors because their brains aren't developed enough. So if you were to show them a neat picture like this, they'd be totally overstimulated:

It was the blue parallelogram that took it too far.

Nope, if you want to mesmerize and enthrall a newborn baby with some killer artwork, I recommend starting with something like this:


Supposedly the baby will f**king stare at this shit for like 10 minutes until she falls asleep. 

A f**king line. A black line on a white background.

When the baby gets a little older, you can really start to branch out on your artwork. For example, you can maybe make your baby something that looks like this:

You'll want to stick with bright primary colors so you don't overwhelm them.

Or, if you've got a real knack for art, you can ditch the ruler and make something like this instead:

Babies are basically tiny grownups who have done so much acid you are genuinely worried they might stay that way forever.

If you want to totally blow their minds (but be careful not to overstimulate them, or you'll wind up with a fussy baby that won't nap), you can go so far as to draw something like this:

Don't even dream of showing them the French flag until they're at least a month old. Their tiny little soft heads will explode.

So, the moral of the story is ... I guess I don't need to worry about buying any toys for a good long while. Because this:

Dude, parallel lines of differing thickness? Get the f**k out of here. Next you're gonna tell me men have walked on the moon.

... is like the greatest thing on earth as far as a baby is concerned.

Babies are dumb, y'all.

Still no word on what would happen if you showed them this, though:

They'd probably love it.


  1. I had no idea. What about the babies that live in the rooms with all the colors and shapes on the walls? Are those the children we should be worried about?

    1. Nah, the babies can't see that far so we only need to worry about the parents that wasted a bunch of money on pointless baby artwork.

      But if you put a mobile in the baby's crib? Uh oh. Now, instead of sleeping, they'll just stare at it and be like "is this thing ... is this thing for real? I mean, what the ... what the f**k??!" And then next thing you know your kid has ADHD and is flunking out of community college, all because you thought he could handle a mobile with some bunnies on it when he was a week old.



  2. I'm going to start a new career. Baby art.
    Take that, modern art.

    1. Sell it in Babies R Us and I guarantee you'll make millions. Because new mothers are even dumber than their babies, and they'll surely pay top dollar for a picture of a straight black line. Sigh.

    2. ... and I say this as someone who spent $20 on a newborn-sized Snow White costume :-)

    3. At least you're qualified to comment ;-)