Friday Poundings: One month to go

This week has dragged harder than any week has in a long time. I don't know why, but damn if I ain't glad it's over.

Part of the problem, I think, is that I was pretty anxious to get to today, September 6 ... because I'm due to have this baby on October 6. That's a month away, kiddos. This is the last big milestone. Now we just wait.

Being a month away from my due date means I've been spending a lot of time preparing the house for little one's arrival. Babies are notoriously unpredictable, and I'd hate to go into labor tomorrow and be like "oh damn, the baby will have to sleep on a towel in an empty drawer and wear burlap sacks because we haven't prepared anything." So, I've been hard at work getting the place ready just in case she pops out early. If I get everything ready to go with weeks to spare, then I can just lounge my giant ass on the couch watching TV -- a pretty heavenly way to enjoy one's last few weeks of non-parenthood, I think.

But ... let me tell you what a giant pain in the ass it is to wash baby stuff.

Like, all of it is a pain in the ass somehow. There is not one thing made for babies that is at all convenient to wash.

First, there are all the things that you can't even put in the washing machine at all. For example, the jogging stroller and pack n' play bassinet thing -- there are no parts that come off and go into the washing machine. None. So how did I have to wash those? Outside on the patio with a hose and a bucket of soapy water like I was washing a goddamned car. There is no other way. 

I would love to know, by the way, what kind of brain-dead shit-eating jackass decided to create items specifically for babies that are not able to be washed in any sort of reasonable fashion. Have they not ever met babies? Are they not aware of what babies do? They pee and poo and puke everywhere. It's kind of their M.O. So why would THE BED THAT THE BABY SLEEPS IN EVERY NIGHT not be washable? WHY?! God that shit was a f**king pain in my ass. Thankfully it was sunny out so the stuff dried quickly enough ... but what do people who live in apartments do? Do they take their pack n' plays to the local car wash? Bring it into the shower with them? I mean, really?! I HAD TO SPRAY IT WITH A HOSE. THAT IS NOT CONVENIENT.

Then there are the things that DO have covers that come off and go into the washing machine ... if you're the right combination of Incredible Hulk and rocket scientist that it takes to actually take off/put back on all the machine-washable parts. I bought a baby swing on Craigslist and tried to take the cover off it, and it bent one of my fingernails backwards. I ended up having to get Jesse to take it off, because I wasn't strong enough and I was worried about my other nine fingernails. The cover had a little stuffed bunny rabbit attached to it that claimed not to be machine-washable. Oh hell no -- you better believe that f**king rabbit went into the washing machine. I ain't hand-washing that shit.

And the car seat? Don't even get me started on that goddamned thing. It took me a full five minutes to get all the fabric parts off of it and into the washing machine, and then a full ten minutes to put it all back on once it was washed. Well, a full ten minutes if you don't count the fact that there's still one corner I couldn't get back on and Jesse will have to take care of. Because once again, I apparently lack the incredible fingertip strength needed to stretch this stupid fabric back over the seat frame. Please note, I did not put anything into the dryer. It didn't shrink. It is just f**king designed to piss me off. Graco can just eat my asshole.

Okay, then there's all the baby clothes and bibs and blankets and what-have-you. Everything you buy has to be washed before it can be used, because apparently the baby clothes factory uses noxious chemicals and cancer to make its clothing and only a Grade A monster would put those cancer-clothes onto their baby without washing them first. Okay, fine. All baby clothes must go for a ride in the washer and dryer. 

On the delicate setting.

And of course in their own detergent, which is scent-free, additive-free, allergen-free, unflavored, uncolored, bleachless, soapless, and made from a mixture of recycled newspapers and 100% renewable orphan tears.

Then the clothes go into the dryer, also on the low-heat delicate setting because even though a tiny little newborn-sized sleeper costs like $15, it is nevertheless some of the shoddiest workmanship I've ever seen from clothing and it will dissolve into a pile of loose threads if you so much as CONSIDER drying it on high heat.

Oh, and did I mention the cloth diapers? They need to be pre-washed 5-7 times in order to get their absorbency up to par. But -- and this should come as no surprise -- the cloth diapers can't be washed with any of the other baby stuff, because they have their OWN special detergent which must be purchased online. Because of course they do. Why would they use the same detergent as the other baby stuff? What sort of glue are you sniffing that would make you think all baby stuff could use the same detergent!?! You must be an idiot!!

I've washed the cloth diapers 3 times now. Only 3 more to go and they'll be ready to start actually becoming dirty. Naturally, all other laundry must wait while these f**king things go from washer to dryer to washer to dryer to washer to dryer for the full 6 rotations. F**k. Jesse's gonna have to start turning his underwear inside-out.

Oh yeah, and my entire laundry room and dining room are now filled with hand-knit blankets that have been washed and are trying to dry (ummmm obvs they can't go in the dryer, dummy).

Still on the list is to sanitize all the bottles/bottle accouterments  and of course all the parts of the breast milk pump, which are numerous and extremely confusing. What do you want to bet I can't just put all this shit in the dishwasher with our normal dishwasher detergent? Where can I buy baby-safe dishwasher detergent with the appropriate ratio of recycled newspaper and 100% renewable orphan tears??

And don't let me forget about all the toys I bought at the second hand store. How exactly do you wash a stuffed rattle?

F**k it. I'm putting it in the dishwasher too.

I'm over it.

It will just make the baby stronger.

Probably.

Behold my 8-months-pregnant basketball. Behold it!!!