Blog Archive

Friday, September 13, 2013

I am the retail master. Amazon and Target are my b*tches!

Today's post is once again an instructional post -- today, it's about how to pull one over on large retail companies. Open up your brains and prepare to learn!!

Lesson 1: Returning stuff

Some people think that if you decide to return something to a store, you have to return it to the same store you bought it from. I am here to tell you that is nonsense!! Any store that also sells the item in question will happily take your return without a receipt in exchange for store credit.

For example, yesterday I wanted to exchange something I had ordered on Amazon. I figured it would be a pain to return it to Amazon, and the thing I wanted to exchange it for was sold cheaper at Target anyway. So guess what I did? I went to Target and returned the unopened, unused Amazon item for store credit. Then I went and picked out the item that I had decided I wanted instead, which cost more than the original item. I bought the new item, using up my store credit plus another $15 of my own money.


That's how you pull one over on Target, guys.

I'm laughin' all the way to the bank on that one.

You can pull similar tricks at other stores too! Just make sure that whatever you end up buying costs more than what you're returning, and they won't care because they're making money on you.

Making money on you ... while you swindle them.

Also, I don't really know what "swindling" is.

Lesson 2: Promo Codes

This is the only actually useful lesson in this entire post, so pay attention.

If you're buying something online and you get to the checkout page and see a box where you can enter a "coupon or promo code," STOP. STOP RIGHT THERE.


There are promo codes and coupon codes for all kinds of things, and there's this great thing called "the internet" where people go to share all the promo and coupon codes they've found. And lots of times, if you Google the name of the company and "promo code," the internet will happily tell you a few coupon codes to try entering to save money. I just bought something from Brookstone the other day and Googled a coupon code for $10 off. Just like that. I spent two seconds doing a quick search and saved $10.

Always do this. Always. It is neither immoral nor illegal. It's just smart.

Lesson 3: Free shipping

I am the worst about remembering to buy everything I need all at once. I'll do an Amazon order, and then three days later I'll realize there's another book about the various colors of baby shit and what they mean and I will desperately want it right that second so I'll have to place another order.

But as we all well know, Amazon only gives you free shipping on orders over $25 (unless you have Prime which I don't because that shiz costs money, yo). And you know what? Paying for shipping is a ripoff.

So if you want to pull one over on Amazon, you need to make sure your order is over $25 every time.

Here's what I do: I put the book about baby shit into my cart and then I see how much more I have to spend to get free shipping. Then I go to our baby registry and start adding stuff to my cart until I hit like $30. Oh, what's that? FREE SHIPPING YOU SAY?!?! YOU'RE GODDAMNED RIGHT I GET FREE SHIPPING NOW.

You know that old saying "you gotta spend money to make money"? Well, sometimes you have to spend $24 on stupid shit you don't really need in order to save $4 on shipping. It's like driving 20 miles out of the way to find slightly cheaper gas, or driving 40 miles to find an ATM that doesn't charge fees for out-of-bank transactions. It's just what a smart person does.

I laugh all the way to the bank on that one too. Amazon, consider yourself pwned. PWNED.

I have done this twice now in the last week. Man, I almost feel bad for poor Amazon, being subject to so many of my schemes in such a short period of time. They could have made me pay for shipping twice. Those idiots!

Lesson 4: Spending too much money on dumb crap

On Halloween, our baby will be roughly 3 weeks old, probably. So I bought her a Halloween costume.

It is a Snow White dress, size Newborn.

It is adorable.

She will probably shit/puke on it within four minutes of me putting it on her.

I paid $20 for it.

Take that, Babies R Us. Consider yourself swindled.

Also, can someone please explain to me what "swindled" is? I really feel like I'm not quite getting it.

No comments:

Post a Comment