Blog Archive

Monday, September 16, 2013

I ruined some poor guy's birthday

I was going to write a full-on good post for today but then I had a bunch of other stuff to do so now you're going to be stuck with this instead. I'll write the full-on good post for Wednesday, I promise!

I'm going to start by opining on the amazing power of the pregnant belly to mesmerize and horrify people. With a shirt on over it, it's just a big ol' ball of belly. Nothing to see.

But bare, uncovered, shirtless? It is a thing of amazing power.

Because it's kind of gross and most people don't want to look at it.

I understand this. I felt the same way before I was pregnant. Even now, the only pregnant belly I have any interest in looking at is my own. Thankfully, it is as of yet not corrupted by stretch marks, and is mostly just big and round and smooth. But it's still not something people want to look at.

So on Friday night, we went out to a pub crawl with our running club. One of the guys in the club was celebrating his birthday, and so the ladies decided that for his birthday present, they would all stand in a line and lift their shirts -- all at the same time, just for a moment.

The ladies got into their line in front of the birthday boy, and to everyone's incredible shock, I joined the line as well. Those silly suckers; they thought I was going to flash my boobs. Haha honestly, it's like they haven't even met me. 

In truth, my intentions were far more sinister.

So on the count of three, all the ladies lifted their shirts, and the birthday boy was happily greeted by several sets of boobs. 

And I pulled my shirt up halfway, and pulled down my maternity support girdle (remember this beautiful bitch here?) 
and started rubbing my stomach like a troll. And the birthday boy, once gleefully distracted by boobs, now found himself staring at me rubbing my giant bare pregnant belly. He was mesmerized, unable to look away. Unable to look back at the boobs. And then the boobs were put away, and I licked my finger and rubbed it against my popped-out belly button.

And that's how you ruin someone's birthday!

And now, since that story alone does not a full post maketh, here are some pictures I drew!

This is a Donkel. I drew one on the white board on our fridge at home, hoping to improve morale around the house, and productivity went up 15%! 
The donkel is just inspiring like that.

This is an abstract that kinda looked like a dinosaur so I went with it:

And this is a dinosaur that kinda looked like an abstract so I went with it:

God, I am such a bad artist. I mean, SUCH a bad artist. I can't wait to see what kind of awful shit my kid ends up drawing when she gets older. Could it be worse than this shit here? I'm going to put it all up on the fridge, not just to make her feel accomplished but because I will be genuinely impressed by how f**king terrible it's going to be.



  1. Why is the dinosaur shitting? Couldn't it at least be shitting the rainbow on the other side? I am concerned about the composition of this piece of artwork and feel that it detracts from the overall theme. I give it a 6/10


      Actually I wouldn't -- better would be boring, and the bar is set so low it wouldn't even be fun. What I'd really like to see is you doing WORSE. ;-)

  2. Just had the worst mental image of the belly rubbing...thanks for that