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Wednesday, January 8, 2014

Baby milestones are the most important things ever

You guys, my baby is gifted. Gifted.

Babies are supposed to give their first smiles at around two months of age, with some smiling as early as six weeks. Our baby smiled at six weeks exactly.

Babies are supposed to start rolling from front to back somewhere between 3-5 months old. Guess who pulled off her first roll before she even hit three months?

I put together this chart showing the connection between achieving baby milestones and achieving greatness later in life:

As you can see, the lower the baby's age when the milestone is achieved, the more awesome they are going to be later in life. You want to see the data I used to draw this chart? Shut up. No. You wouldn't understand it anyway. You probably didn't smile until you were like a year old.

Alright fine, you caught me: I think baby milestones are silly, and putting a lot of stock into them is ESPECIALLY silly. Case in point: I didn't start walking until I was like 16 months old. That's borderline I-think-your-kid-might-be-retarded level lateness. And look at me now! I'm almost not retarded at all.

Even though I put this picture on the internet.

No no, the milestones involving rolling over and sitting up and all that just aren't very exciting. Here are the milestones I am ACTUALLY quivering in excitement for Audrey to achieve:

Spitting up begins to taper off at 4 months

Please, for the love of god, let Audrey achieve this milestone early. My baby is like a loaded gun, all the time. 

No wait -- not a loaded gun, since those only shoot in the direction they're pointed, and only if you pull the trigger.

My baby is like incredibly old and unstable dynamite, liable to go off at any time and able to destroy anyone/anything in the immediate vicinity.

She pukes if she's had a large bottle. She pukes if she's had a small one. She pukes if she drinks a bottle fast. She pukes if she drinks it slow. She pukes if you burp her. She pukes if you don't burp her. She pukes if you sit her upright. She pukes if you lay her on her back. She pukes if you jostle her. She pukes if you look at her.

One time, she puked as I carried her downstairs in the morning. She had not had a bottle in 4 hoursI don't even know where that puke came from. She had to have been saving it for me.

Her clothing always smells like puke. She only wears footed pajamas because it's too much work to change any other outfit 6 times a day. She wears bibs almost constantly, and we own 36 burp rags. Thirty. Six.

She has thrown up down my shirt; she has thrown up in my hair; she has thrown up between the couch cushions. One time, she threw up into Jesse's mouth and I laughed so hard I almost threw up too.

And it only STARTS to taper at 4 months. Goddammit.

At this point, we just pretend not to notice it.

The ability to sleep 10-12 hours at night starts between 12-15 weeks

Currently, Audrey goes to bed around 7PM and sleeps 6-7 hours at a stretch before waking up and needing a bottle. This is considered "sleeping through the night" in baby milestone land.

... except a baby that consistently wakes up at 1:30AM is not "sleeping through the night," doctor.

Once she hits this magical milestone, I will actually be able to sleep all night long. All night long!!! Please note that at this point, I have not slept for more than ~5 hours at a stretch since Audrey was born. My eyes are permanently bloodshot and I look a little bit like a vampire. Not a sparkly vampire -- just a gaunt, pale vampire with dark circles around the eyes.

Please, child, please. This milestone is welcome anytime now.

No more formula starting at 12 months

Have you ever smelled formula? Really deeply smelled it? 

It smells like hot garbage fermented in a gym sock. 

It smells like a donkey drank a gallon of old milk and then vomited it up onto a pile of feces.

It smells like the Devil himself mixed expired yogurt, moldy coffee grounds and morning breath together in a toilet.

And it tastes like it too. And when my baby spits it up everywhere, its foul sour stink gets into everything.

Once she doesn't need formula anymore, Jesse and I can invite everyone over for a fun ceremony wherein we BURN OUR COUCH TO THE GROUND.

... and then we'll have another baby and f**k goddammit I'm going to be smelling this shit forever.

Does not require a babysitter anymore at age ~12

Then I can go out and get hammered and do other fun stuff like ... get hammered! And I won't even have to plan it in advance!!!

Achieves financial independence at age ~22

A girl can dream, right?

In the meantime, we all anxiously wait for her to roll from her back to her front. She's not supposed to do that until closer to 5-6 months old, but she's on the brink of being able to do it anytime now.

Because she's, y'know, gifted.


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