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Friday, January 10, 2014

Weird names are here to stay, and I have to get over it.

Audrey goes to daycare through the week, and in the infant room at her daycare, she is the only one with what I would consider a 'normal' name. By 'normal,' I mean a name that at least one famous person has.

One normal name, out of the eight babies that are taken care of in that room.

The rest of the kids have those damned newfangled bizarre names that I've written about my distaste for in the past.

I mean, they're not THAT bad -- it's not like there's a kid there with a pound sign in his name or something -- but still, there sure as shit ain't any Michaels in there. The other kids have names like Kenzie (I guess we're over the "Mc" part of that?), Caden, Sky (damn hippies), and Drayton (which sounds decidedly equine to me -- like a cross between a stout working horse and the sound a donkey makes). I can't remember the other kids' names, but they were probably Decking and Koolaid and assorted other bits of dumbassery.

This morning, as I scowled at the cubbies with these made-up names posted on them, it hit me like a ton of bricks: I need to get over this revulsion, because my daughter's entire peer group is going to be composed of kids with names I think are stupid. Like, forever.

Her best friend in childhood is going to be named Kalua.

She'll have her first slumber party at her friend Quonset's house.

The first time I catch her sneaking out, it will be to go to Tigris's house to drink wine coolers with Kabethany and Formationne.

Her first boyfriend is going to be named Elek.

Her second boyfriend is going to be named Craydon.

Eventually, she'll marry someone named Balderdash, with her best friend Harpsikord serving as her Maid of Honor.

And I'll have been rolling my eyes so hard for thirty years that I'll suffer from chronic migraines.

"Audrey and Balderdash will be bringing the kids up for Thanksgiving," I'll be forced to say with a straight face.

"We need to get something for Harpsikord and Connyption's baby shower!" Audrey will declare to me someday, because Harpsikord is going to marry a guy named Connyption and they'll have a kid and name her Shartroose. (get it? It's like "chartreuse" but spelled uniquely??) (Someone should tell Harpsikord that her baby's name has the word "shart" in it, though. I wouldn't want anyone (me) to make fun of her behind her back, after all.)

This is just how things are going to be from now until forever. Pretty soon, Audrey will be the one that gets made fun of, because her name is TOO normal. Arterius and Loquacity (two kids from her class) will tease her so hard that I will have to call their parents and have a stern conversation.

A stern conversation with people so idiotic that they named their kids "Arterius" and "Loquacity."



  1. A few simple rules will apply when we hold a naming ceremony for our spawn. No Welsh names unless you are Welsh and plan to stay in Wales for ever and ever and never move amen. Because when your child skips to America to attend varsity and he is named Gryffydd (SIC) everyone will just assume his parents named him after a grunt during conception.

    None of those silly 'combined' names. My brother's high school friend is named Chrizelda and she is the oldest daughter. The middle daughter is named Zelda and the youngest Christine. What in the actual fuck?

    I have a friend that we would refer to to as Rhodesian back in the dark days - ie, British in Zimbabwe. His middle name is Maitland. Dude, weird names have been around for a long long time.

    1. I studied with an exchange student in Hong Kong whose middle name was Thor. I didn't' believe him until he showed me his drivers' license. THOR!!!! But, middle names don't count. I won't be impressed until I meet someone whose FIRST name is Thor.

      Because Thor.