Blast from the Past: Lessons learned from watching horror movies

This old post had some pretty colorful and unbleeped language. Let me fix that for you.

Also, blogger tells me this post only had 27 views! SHAMEFUL! It's such a good one!  At least I think so. You don't have to agree. I will just hate you if you don't.


LESSONS FROM HORROR MOVIES

Watching horror movies with Jesse is quite an experience.

Well, watching any movie really, but horror movies in particular.

Why? Because he sees each movie as a lesson in what not to do, and so he spends a majority of the time criticizing the choices that the characters have made, and talking about all the things he would have done differently to either get out of a bad situation or avoid getting into it in the first place.

At first, it was annoying. But now I've started doing it as well. And let me tell you, it really makes the movies more interesting. Here are some of lessons we've learned from watching movies:

1

If the Road You're Driving On Inexplicably Turns to Gravel, TURN THE F**K AROUND

Dipshit, you are going the wrong way. You will not get to the dance club by continuing on this gravel road. You will not get anywhere good.

Example Film: The Human Centipede

To be fair, those bitches were really, really dumb.

Unfortunately for me, that fact alone doesn't un-see that movie.

2

Do Not Go Into Enclosed, Inescapable Areas -- Such as Hotel Rooms -- With Strangers

Especially when you're not getting any cell service. That's just asking for trouble.

Example Film: Last House on the Left

3

What Kind of a F**king Moron Goes to Investigate a Noise Without Bringing a Gun?

If you hear a scary noise somewhere near the back of your property and you decide to go investigate, here's some advice: bring a goddamn weapon with you, genius. Wandering around with a weak flashlight while timidly saying "hello?" is not going to get you anywhere.

4

Oh, Did You Hurt Your Ankle? F**KING RUN, BITCH! RUN TIL THE BONES POKE THROUGH THE SKIN!

I can't believe how many dumb bitches stop running away from danger because they twisted their ankles. Because, y'know, obviously getting raped and murdered is better than running on a hurt ankle. Ouchies.

Your body makes this thing called "adrenaline" that keeps you from feeling pain when you're in danger. Use it, dumbass.

Example Film: The Strangers

5

Why On God's Green Earth Are You Splitting Up? I DIDN'T REALIZE YOU COULD SEE 360 DEGREES AT ONCE!

Oh, you can't? Well then why in all hell are you going off by yourself? You need at least one person with you to be able to see danger coming from any and all directions. Jackass; you deserve whatever bad shit happens to you.

Example Film: EVERY F**KING MOVIE EVER.

I guess there's always room for a small surprise.

6

Prepare to Make Your Last Stand -- And Save a Bullet for Yourself

When there's danger all around you, you don't just take off running into the woods and hoping for the best. Probably you'll just end up hurting your wee little ankle and shouting "hello? Someone help me!" until you meet your doom.

Instead, how about you get a weapon -- lots of weapons, even -- and pick a defensible area to make your last stand. Sit down in a corner with a shotgun so nobody can sneak up on you. Kill everything that comes at you. And if you're finally overwhelmed and don't stand a chance, shoot yourself in the head. Trust me, it's better than getting shredded by zombies, wolves, bears, rapists, or whoever else is after you.

Dawn of the Dead's Plan:

Tremors' Plan:

F**K YEAH! NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' BOUT!

Now go forth and teach your children. Teach them the way of the staying alive. Someday, they will thank you.

Unless the bear gets them.