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Friday, March 14, 2014

Baby's first art project: a critique

This week, Audrey came home from daycare with her first-ever art project! She used some kind of rubber mallet thing to paint a nice shamrock for St. Patrick's Day. Let's take a look:

Oh boy.

Look, Audrey ... as your mother, I feel like it's important for me to be honest. It's not my job to blow smoke up your ass -- I'm supposed to be someone you can really trust. So I'm going to try to be as kind as possible here, but ... the thing is ...

Your painting is awful.

I mean it is really truly just horrendous.

What is it even supposed to be? It's abstract, but not in a good way. The dots and smears are just scattered everywhere like you weren't even paying attention while you painted it. 

The painting is garbage, is the bottom line.

Like, what the hell is going on in this upper corner? 

It looks like you were trying to draw some kind of bird with fancy head plumage. But you did a bad job. Look, I fixed it for you:

And this middle part?

If I had to guess, I'd say you were trying to draw a very VERY busty lady looking coy, but your proportions are horrifying. I mean just look how it turned out when I filled in the blanks:

The rest of the painting didn't even look like anything at all, at least not until I turned it on its side. Then I noticed these two little beasties lurking on the bottom:

A couple attempts at drawing "the man in the moon," eh?

Look, Audrey, I know this is your first art so you don't really know what you're doing. But you really need to up your game a little. You come from a family of excellent artists! And honestly? I'm embarrassed to have this painting on our refrigerator. There, I said it.

If you need to get more practice and guidance at painting, I'm happy to help you out. After all, I'm REALLY freaking good at it.

Can't wait to see what your next "art" looks like. And yes, those were sarcastic air-quotes ... because your art is more like FART.



  1. I cannot wait to see the paint art you and Audrey do together!