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Thursday, March 6, 2014

Let's revisit Honey Boo Boo

Yesterday I had to take Audrey to the doctor, and then we had to wait in the pharmacy for like 2345872343128947829758429 years to pick up a prescription, and my phone died because I crushed too much candy with it, sooooo there was no post yesterday. Me so sorry. On the plus side, there will be a post tomorrow about the exciting parenting tips I picked up from some new friends in the waiting room! You won't believe the wonderful things I learned.

Anyway, to help hold us all over until tomorrow, please revisit with me this post about Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. I forgot how amazing my rendition of the fat mom was. Truly outstanding.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo

Apparently there is this show on TLC called “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo.” Though I have never actually watched it, I am familiar with it.
… just familiar enough to offer this little synopsis of what the show is all about.

“Honey Boo Boo” is the nickname of a chubby little blonde girl from Georgia.

She rose to fame after a stint on the show “Toddlers and Tiaras,” where her disgracefulness earned her many fans. Americans in general enjoy a good bout of schadenfreude, and Honey Boo Boo and her white trash family really made us all feel better about our own lives.

Honey Boo Boo’s mother, “Flabbity,” looks like a stringy-haired land-manatee. They both speak with such thick southern accents that most of the show is captioned – like it was in a foreign language. Thankfully, the captions do not correct their grammar.

Now, I know I have a few foreign readers who may not be familiar with any of the crap I’m talking about. So here is some background:
“Toddlers and Tiaras” is a reality show about crazy moms who enter their young daughters in beauty pageants, dressing them up like hookers with makeup and spray tans and starting the association between physical attractiveness and self-esteem at a nice young age. Most of the little girls on this show are models of decorum (other than their insane behind-the-scenes tantrums), having long since been beaten into total submission by, errh, I mean, “learned to be ladies” from their batshit-nuts mothers.

It’s okay to be horrified.
But little Honey Boo Boo broke the mold, yes she did. Decorous she is not. Her claims to fame on the show included chugging down 2-liter bottles of soda, pulling up her shirt and patting her big belly, and belting out catch phrases such as this:

The popularity of the Boo Boo clan became so great that TLC decided to give them their own spinoff reality show.

See? There’s your proof. I am not making this shit up.
Many Americans mourned, considering this the death knell of anything that could rightfully be called “American culture.” But through their tears, they turned on their televisions to watch the train wreck unfold. After all, who could resist the commercial proudly advertising that in this week’s episode, Honey Boo Boo would be adopting a pet piglet?

I’m sure Flabbity is putting every dollar they make into a college fund for Honey Boo Boo.
I’m sure of it.

Honey Boo Boo is going to be a doctor someday. Yep, mmhmm.

I forgot where I was going with all this -- the whole thing just got too depressing. Ugh, time to go eat seven cheeseburgers and drown my sorrows in Game Day beer. It’s turned into that kind of day.


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