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Friday, March 7, 2014

Parenting tips from the old people waiting at the pharmacy

After a doctor's appointment on Wednesday, Audrey and I spent two hours waiting for our number to be called at the hospital's pharmacy. It was a very long two hours.

At five months old, Audrey is extremely cute, and so she attracted her share of attention from some of the bored old people who were also waiting two hours for prescriptions. They wrangled me into conversation and shared many helpful tips on how to parent effectively, as well as sharing some observations about the 'youth of today' and how I could maybe avoid having my child turn out like one of those "spoilt brats" you see on the TV all the time.

Here are the gems of wisdom I took home with me along with Audrey's meds:


You are not allowed to spank your children anymore, because if you lay even one finger on them, they will be taken away from you and you will go to jail

Everyone knows that if you so much as smack your child's bottom in this day and age, you will go to jail for life while your children are raised in foster homes by meth-addicted pedophiles. That's just how the Democrats want it! Obama has personally advocated for your own children to be raised by rapists and racial minorities while you sweat it out in a federal penitentiary, all because you gave your kid a wooden spoon to the arse when he refused to eat his squash.

They don't even need any proof that you spanked them before taking your kids away. #facts


Schools teach your children to call 911 to report you if you threaten to discipline them

Yes, that's right -- if you want to discipline your kids these days, I hope you have a lawyer handy because your kids' own teachers at school will be filling their heads with talk of their "rights" and how they can "report you to the proper authorities" if you so much as demand they take two more bites of their mashed carrots.

It seems so obvious now that I think about it.

"Well that seems extreme," you might be thinking. "I know it's important to let kids know that they have options and lifelines in cases of actual abuse, but to encourage children to call the police whenever their parents discipline them? Surely that can't be the case!" And yeah, I'll admit, it sounds extreme and like a major waste of resources. But what you're forgetting, and what the old people in the pharmacy were quick to remind me of, is that your kids' teachers have an agenda. If 'sending kids off to be raised by gay minority foster parents' were a company, your kids' teachers would be the biggest shareholders.

The stats back this up time and time again.

Any teachers reading this can probably vouch for the accuracy of that viewpoint.


Not spanking your children when they get out of line is the main reason why the prison system is overcrowded

Beating children who misbehave is the #1 most effective way to get them to not misbehave anymore. Since Obama has taken that tool away from parents, their children are now pretty much guaranteed to grow up to be assholes who rob liquor stores and sell cocaine to elementary school children.

You think time-outs are going to keep your kid out of jail? Think again.

Or maybe sent to some kind of "bad mom jail."


No amount of spankings will keep your sons from fathering scores of illegitimate children that you will get stuck raising

Extra bad news for you, parents of sons: even back in the good ol' days when you could take a belt to your kid's backside with nary a peep from Obama and his crew, there was still no way of preventing your sons from putting babies into the bellies of trashy, irresponsible women everywhere. And of course you know your sons aren't going to raise their own children!! They're not dumb! They're going to make YOU do it!!

The saddest thing about this picture is that Grandma will be dead by the time the little one fathers his first illegitimate child. Who the heck is going to raise THAT kid?? 
Gay minority foster parents, that's who.


Nobody wants to take responsibility for their own shit anymore

Specifically, other people besides YOU don't want to take responsibility for their own shit. They just want to blame you for everything!!! If your kid gets caught skipping class, the school blames YOU instead of realizing that it's their fault somehow. I mean, they tell you you can't beat your kid to keep them in line, but then they tell you it's your fault when your kid acts up? How the hell is a parent supposed to keep their kid from acting up without a steady diet of (reasonable; we're not monsters) beatings? Way to go, Obama.


A lot of these insights were really new and surprising to me. I mean, I knew that it's no longer considered 'cool' to hit your kids with belts or wrenches or the like, but to dole out the occasional butt-spanking when they're bad? They'll really take your kids away and send you to jail for that? 


And if you've got sons, better start saving up now. Raising kids ain't cheap (especially with all those lawyer fees you're sure to face when they try to take your kids away every week), and all those little bastards are going to be calling your house "home."

Unless you want to hand them over to the gay minority abusive drug-addicted foster parents, of course. But who would want to do that??

Oh yeah, THAT'S WHO.

Also, if you felt yourself nodding along in agreement with any part of this, please take a moment to consider that you might be F***ING INSANE.


Hello friends, it's been a while since I ordered you to like me on Facebook at and to follow me on Twitter at The more friends I have in either place, the more I'm likely to post stuff there. I have many wisdoms to share. They are much greatness.

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