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Friday, March 21, 2014

Product Reviews lightning round: Sofritas, almond milk, Kashi bars, and Jack in the Box

Ready for some more totally legit product reviews?? I have a bunch of them for you today!

Chipotle's new Sofritas burrito

I love Chipotle. It is my most favorite fast food. I always get a chicken burrito there, always always always. And I try to keep it as healthy as possible, which means no sour cream or cheese. This limits my burrito to a very reasonable 8,000 calories and 176 grams of fat.

Well, imagine my surprise when one day I went into my local Chipotle and discovered they had a NEW FILLING! It was called Sofritas, and it was vegan and made with tofu. I figured "that sounds pretty healthy! It might even bring my burrito down to 7,500 calories! I will give it a try." And since then, I have tried it two more times, for a total of three Sofritas burritos.

What can I tell you about it? That it doesn't exist. Sofritas is a lie.

It is made through sorcery of some kind -- sorcery that I cannot explain. Three times I have watched them put it on my burrito. The third time, I even asked them to add a little more, because I needed to be sure about my witchcraft theory. 

Three times I have then eaten the burrito and been unable to locate a single speck of the fabled tofu filling. As far as I can tell, as soon as they wrap up the burrito, the Sofritas vanishes. I wonder what happens when you order it on a burrito bowl? Does it vanish while you're watching, or can it only vanish when you can't see it? What if I got a burrito with nothing else on it except the Sofritas filling? Would I get back to my office and find nothing but a big empty tortilla??

What I'm trying to say is, I have no idea what the Sofritas tastes like because it tastes exactly like everything else that's already inside my burrito. So a Sofritas burrito is essentially just a vegetarian burrito except you don't get free guacamole on it.


This picture is from Chipotle's website, and you can't even make out the Sofritas in it. I think I see a little shred of tofu there at the one o'clock mark, but it could just be a trick of the light.

Chocolate Almond Milk

I bought some of this on a whim the other day, because I am a big fan of chocolate milk. I had chocolate soy milk at home, so I thought "why not try the almond stuff and see if it's any good?"

And is it good? YES. DEAR GOD YES.

It is so delicious I have stopped drinking anything else except chocolate almond milk. I put it on my cereal, and in my coffee. I drink it with breakfast, lunch, dinner. I mix rum into it for a lovely cocktail. I give it to my baby instead of formula.* Tonight I'm going to try brushing my teeth with it. I bet it will work well.

*simmer down, I don't give my baby chocolate almond milk


Berry Lemonade flavored Kashi granola bars

Whoever invented this product is an asshole. And the past version of myself is a gigantic idiot. Why did I buy these? What kind of drugs had I taken that made me think "gee, berry lemonade flavored granola bar, this sounds delish!" and then pay upwards of $4 for a box of them??

These are not good. They taste like someone took a Kashi granola bar -- which is already one of the more birdseedy brands -- and then ran it through the dishwasher and sprayed it with perfume.

It is just a log of grains glued together with lemon Dawn soap and spritzed with artificial berry-scented window cleaner. I guess they might be good for if you have a kid that says a bad word and you want to discipline them in a reasonable and humane way? Maybe they would taste better if you dipped them in Milk and Honey hand soap?

This jug will last a while, unless you're one of those people who doesn't so much dip things into sauce as use the food product as a spoon to shovel the sauce into your mouth.

The worst part is that I have a whole box of them, and I refuse to throw them away so I have to keep eating them. They're great for weight loss, because they taste so awful that after a couple of bites I start wondering if maybe I'm full and can stop eating?

These must be some kind of prank because nobody on earth could possibly think they would actually be delicious.

Except for me in the past, that is. Because me in the past is a f***ing dumbass.


Jack in the Box Waffle Breakfast Sandwich

This morning, traffic was really light so I got to my exit almost forty minutes early for work. So I decided to treat myself to this breakfast sandwich, which I had been craving ever since I saw a commercial for it while I was still on maternity leave.

Was it good? Holy f*** yes it was good. I wish I had another one. I wish I had ten more. I could wash them all down with almond milk and have the best Friday of my life.

I mean, how could it not be good? It's just a fried egg, cheese, and sausage sandwich with two syrup-infused waffles as the bread. The idea of a McGriddle always pissed me off because I couldn't get behind using pancakes as the bread for a sandwich. But waffles? That's a completely different situation. The flavors mix together so divinely it's like the sandwich was made by God Himself, not some minimum wage immigrant teenager.

And it's so inexpensive!!! I am going to start eating one every day. Next time you see me, I will be 300 pounds. But it will be 300 pounds of happiness, which I think is worth it.

Hello, friend. What are you doing later? Would you like to hang out?

So just to recap: don't ever f***ing buy the Berry Lemonade Kashi bars. If you remember only one thing from this post, let it be that. And if you know who invented them, please tell me because I have a score to settle with that guy. I still have like 3 more of those things in the box. F***.


  1. You are on the money about that chocolate almond milk. Also the only kind I drink. Husband gets the almond coconut but I go right for the chocolate. Mmmmmm

    1. The best part is that it's really healthy! Especially all the sugar in it -- it's good for ... building strong ... ligaments?

    2. Yesssss. I'm sure that's what sugar does!