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Thursday, April 24, 2014

Hey you -- we all know you're faking. Knock it off.

You know what really grinds my gears? People pretending to be a certain way whenever people are looking, even though in private they're much, much different (and worse).

Here are a few things that people like to showboat about that aren't fooling a soul. If you do these things, kindly stop it. You're just making yourself look ridiculous.

Pretending your relationship is stellar to hide the fact that it is garbage

Oh, we all know these people ... 

These people have phones that they could use to text each other or even call each other. They live together, so they could communicate face to face like normal humans. They could even send each other private Facebook messages to talk about how many smooches they are sending each other in the shower. So why, pray tell, would they choose to make this irritating interaction public?

My guess? Because Alison banged the entire San Antonio Spurs basketball team, while Jake has impregnated three other women so far this year alone, but they're too embarrassed to break up before Alison's younger sister's wedding (because Alison gave her sister quite a lecture about monogamy before being seduced by the Spurs), so they're pretending their relationship isn't faker than Alison's boobs (the Spurs didn't mind) by acting as lovey-dovey as possible in public.

Look at her, bangin' em all right out there on the court with everyone's clothes on and she cloned herself somehow and this is very poorly executed.

Not bad, Jake. Not bad.

What's really weird is that the people who do this seem to genuinely believe that they're getting away with it. They really think there are people out there who see this exchange and think "wow, I have never chatted via Facebook comment with my husband while he showered. I guess I don't love him as much as Jake and Alison love each other :-("

But that doesn't happen. Everyone who sees this just thinks "I give them a month, tops."

Pretending to discipline your child in public when we all know the inmates are running the asylum at home

Kids of a certain age are just shitheads, and there's nothing that can really be done about it. If a kid between the ages of, say, 1.5-6 years old is out in public, chances are that kid is going to shithead it up at least once. It's just their nature.

However, it is very easy to tell the difference between a misbehaving kid who is regularly disciplined at home and a misbehaving kid whose only 'punishment' at home is making his mother cry for seven hours every day.

Yeah, I don't think three-year-olds are at the age where guilt works on them yet. Wait til he's 40 and this strategy will be SOLID GOLD.

A friend of mine has a very, shall we say, "spirited" young boy. He has ADHD, which she is trying her best to control with the absolute minimum amount of prescription drugs. When that kid acts up, you don't even have a chance to blink before she's got him standing with his nose against the wall counting to 100 or doing wall sits while explaining why what he did was wrong. This is clearly a child who hears the crack of the whip on the regular. And I respect the hell out of his mom for being the Mighty Master of Discipline. 

And then there are the people who are not Mighty Masters of Discipline. We've all seen them -- a kid is on his back in the Walmart toy aisle screaming like he's being disemboweled, and his mother just stands next to him mumbling things like "if you don't get up right now I won't get you those Legos ... okay if you get up right now you can have the Legos ... okay you can have the Legos either way but if you get up now then you can also have ice cream on the way home ..."

But the worst category of all are the people who let their kid run wild at home, but think they can hide that from the world with a couple of well-timed strict pronouncements when they're out in public. The kid is running laps around the table at Christmas dinner and knocks Grandma over, so his Mom puffs out her chest and says "THAT'S IT! YOU'RE ON A TIME OUT!" And the kid's response?

And then the kid is like:
He is so badly behaved that he actually becomes a completely different child.

And now Grandma is aflame and Christmas dinner is RUINED.


Look, if you don't or can't discipline your kids at home, that's fine. (it's not fine). But don't go around pretending like you're f***ing Michelle Duggar, because you're not fooling anyone. You're much better off just throwing up your hands and letting your crazy Aunt Berthilda discipline your kids for you when they try to knock Grandma over at dinner. I guarantee they'll never do it again.

Pretending you're "thankful" for all your "blessings" when we all know it's YOURSELF that you're most thankful for

Some people are legitimately religious and like to thank God for all their blessings. Those people are fine and can happily continue on their merry thankful way.

But then ... there are these:

Ugh. Tucking a quick sentence about thankfulness onto the end of a long brag doesn't make it not a brag. I bet if you were to press Melinda about her #blessings, you could get her to admit that it wasn't actually Jesus who brought them these things. It was her hard work at the gym that helped her shed those pounds, and her husband's long hours at the office that earned him that promotion, and her many, many angry and vaguely threatening phone calls to her children's teachers that earned them those spots on the honor roll.

Don't pretend at piety to excuse your bragging. Just brag already. That's what 99% of people use Facebook for anyhow. You should see MY page!

If this isn't bragging, I don't know what is.

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