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Thursday, April 17, 2014

Stupid things idiots who can't drive like to do

My commute has been miserable this week (well, it's miserable ALWAYS, but after a week of vacation it seems even worse) so instead of writing a normal happy post, I am going to bitch angrily about all the dumb things people do on the road that make me hate them.

I no can understood "zipper merge"

When a lane is ending and a merge is necessary, here's what you do: you keep driving allllll the way up until the lines separating the two lanes start to disappear. Use that time to work on matching your speed to the speed of the cars in the lane you're going to be merging into. Then, when you get to the merge point, make sure your blinker is on and just drift into the spot between two cars. One of the cars already in that lane goes, then you go, then the next car already in that lane goes, then another car merges in behind him, and so on and so on like a ZIPPER so that nobody should need to hit their brakes.

Just like this handy diagram I made for you. Look how nicely that worked out!

What you should NOT do is slam on your brakes and sit with your blinker on at zero miles per hour 200 yards before the lane even starts to end. You f***ing driving school reject jackass. I hate you and I hate everyone like you who also does not understand how to zipper merge. Take a goddamned bus or something.


Usually, when someone does this, I just go around them and continue up to the actual merge point and do my zipper merge like normal. It's not my fault you're an idiot, and I'm certainly not going to wait for you to idiot yourself out of my way.

So what if super rain is falls, why need I to turn on headlights?

I cannot believe how many people drive around in piss-ass pouring rain on the freeway with no damn lights on. Do you realize that you're completely invisible when you do that? Like, James Bond invisible car invisible? When it's raining hard enough for you to need your wipers on, turn on your goddamned lights you idiot. What are you, trying to save energy? Jesus Christ, you suck. I would say "I hope you crash" except it will probably be me that you crash into, so I guess I just hope you continue to get lucky. F*** you.

"But driving without your lights on is like smoking cigarettes -- it's a total sign of coolness! People will think I'm such a square if I turn on my lights! 'There goes that rule-follower,' they'll say. My reputation will be ruined!" -- a person who doesn't deserve to exist

Why you no want gas-brake-gas-brake-gas-brake in bumper-to-bumper traffic? You so slow, I pass you and make fast times 1 car ahead of you

My usual commute involves driving on a road with a major traffic bunching problem. You'll go 30mph for a while, then all of a sudden everyone is back to 5mph, then stopped completely, then 20mph, then stopped again. I hate driving in that shit, moving my foot from gas to brake to gas to brake every two seconds. It's also hell for your gas mileage. It makes a lot more sense to accelerate and decelerate more slowly, using the gas pedal to control your speed and braking only when necessary. But for this to work, you need to leave some space between you and the car in front of you -- you know, so that you have room to slow down without braking when you see red lights in front of you.

Most people understand this.

Some people don't.

They become furious at me for leaving these gaps between my car and the car in front of me, so they aggressively speed into the other lane and zoom around me at the first opportunity, moving back in in front of me ... where they proceed to move exactly the same speed they were before, but one car length further ahead, and with a lot more gas-brake-gas-brake action. Great job, buddy. You will get home .01 seconds faster than you would have if you'd just stayed behind me, and you'll burn a bunch more gas. You win!!!

I enjoy to make crash into other cars!


 "Sorry! I was trying to thumbs-down that Creed song that came on my 90's alt rock Pandora playlist." 
"Creed on a 90's alt rock Pandora playlist? I don't even blame you for running into me! I'd have done the same!"

Yes there be two lanes, but right lane gives cancer so instead everyone must drives in the left lane only to make extra traffics!

I think this is a Seattle thing. Imagine you're driving on a road that has two lanes. Eventually, one of the lanes will end and everyone will merge back down into one lane. But the lane won't be ending for a while yet -- a quarter mile at least. So what do you do? Do you make use of both lanes for as long as possible, and then execute a flawless zipper merge down to one lane just in time to fly through a green light and onto the freeway?


Instead, you frantically sit in the right line at a DEAD STOP with your blinker on, trying to merge into the left lane a quarter mile too early. But no one will let you in, because the left lane is a solid wall of cars (traffic flows much better up by that green light. Y'know, where the MERGE POINT ACTUALLY IS). In fact, it's such a solid wall of cars, some people have to wait at a green light because there is no room for them on the other side of the intersection.

That is, there is no room for them in the left lane. The right lane is free and clear ... but people will literally sit and wait at a green light rather than make use of the right lane ... because it is going to end eventually.

It is the dumbest f***ing thing I have ever seen in my life.

But hey, at least I get to work a little faster as I fly past this wall of morons in the right lane and then zipper merge up where I'm supposed to. And when people sit in the right lane not moving with their blinker on, guess who gets to give them the most self-righteous and violent honk attack of her life?

 Highlight of my day, really.


  1. My how I've missed these kind of rants!! It's like the voice in my head has its own blog...

    1. Glad I'm not the only one who literally shits their pants in rage at idiots on the road! (you do that too, right? Shit your pants in rage? RIGHT???!)

  2. Tamil idiots who migrated to Asia decades ago drive like that. Stinky Tamil idiots who have no honor