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Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Back from Vegas: Random thoughts post

Hi there loyal fans and even more loyal hate-readers! I just got back from my annual pilgrimage to Las Vegas for work ... you might remember last year's bitch-fest about how much I love that town ... so now prepare for a lightning round of random thoughts that occurred to me while I was out there!

If you've had a baby at some point recently, people will compulsively look at your stomach

At this same conference last year, I was just short of 5 months pregnant. So now this year, everyone knows I had a baby ... and I cannot tell you how many people immediately looked at my stomach as soon as I made eye contact with them. Because they wanted to see if I was still pregnant? No.

Because they wanted to see if I was fat now.

Don't deny that you've done this very thing before. I know I've done it. A coworker of mine from the DC office also had a baby about a month after me, and the first thing I did when I saw her was look at her stomach because I was curious to see if she was fat now. (she wasn't).

I made sure to do some planks in my hotel room before heading down to greet everyone, because I wanted my stomach to be as flat as possible before it was put on display. I even made sure to wear a relatively form-fitting top, because it's almost cruel to deny people the opportunity to find out if I'm fat or not. If I had worn something loose and flowy, I bet I would have had a lot more people giving me hugs by way of greeting. Y'know, so they could push their fat bellies against me and try to feel how fat mine was.

I see right through you, dudes.

If the Jersey Boys soundtrack were a person, I would kick it in the balls until it threw up

The conference I was in Vegas for was taking place in Paris. And I guess Paris likes to promote the show Jersey Boys ... a lot. That soundtrack played in all the elevators and all the bathrooms. It seemed like I was listening to it for hours every day (I drink a lot of water leave me alone).

I think the Jersey Boys soundtrack would be annoying on the first listen. But by the time you get to the fiftieth listen, that "irritation" has turned into something much more volatile.

So yeah, if the Jersey Boys soundtrack were a guy, I would ...

It is impossible to go to bed early in Las Vegas

I had big plans to catch up on some sleep while I was out there. No baby to wake me up early; no husband to jostle me and treat the bed like a trampoline every time he needs to change position ... what a great opportunity for some uninterrupted sleep!

But Vegas had something to say about that. The first night, I was hanging out at a bar with coworkers I hadn't seen in forever and next thing I knew, it was midnight. And then the next morning I naturally woke up at 5AM anyway, because of course I did, and couldn't get back to sleep.

After struggling through that day, I decided that that night, I was ditching out early and going. to. bed.

I told myself "I will be in bed by 9 and then if I wake up at 5, it will be fine."

But then ... a dueling piano bar. And cigars. And wine.

And then it was midnight again.


Thank god I had a window seat on the flight home, so nobody could see me sleeping with my mouth hanging open like a goddamned fly-catcher.

The thing I missed most about my baby? Her smell. Her formula-y, vaguely barfy smell.

I've never been so happy to see someone in my life :-)

Look for better a better post in a couple of days. I just wanted to shart something out real quick so you didn't all think I did a Kanye-esque mic drop after my 50,000 views post. Nope, you can't get rid of me so easily!


  1. I hate Vegas. But I kinda love that you have to go because it makes for funny blog entries! Glad you survived.

    1. I survived, but by the skin of my teeth. As usual. Ah Vegas; you're like that slutty ex nobody can keep themselves from texting every time they're drunk.