Double-headed Shart Attack: My baby is fat

I've always said that fat isn't just a state of the body; it's a state of mind. Being fat is about so much more than not fitting into your britches. It's about seeing a McDonald's commercial for two Big Macs for $5 and immediately saying "mmmmmmmmm" at the same time as your spouse (me and Jesse last night). It's about ordering pizza because you saw a pizza commercial, even though you already ate dinner (us several weeks ago). It's about having a giant banana fritter for dinner because otherwise the fritter will "have to go to waste" and that would be a tragedy (me on Sunday).

My baby is built like a brick shithouse, but that's not really what this post is about. Here are the ways in which Audrey is fat in her mind:

Her first word was "baba"

I'm not giving her credit for this one. Nope. No way. It doesn't count. If I had a baby book for her, the line for "first word" would remain blank, because I refuse to commit "baba" to the annals of history. Still holding out for "mama" to cross those lips.

YOU HEARD IT TOO IT COUNTS IT COUNTS

Audrey is loved deeply by both of her parents. We both play with her and cuddle her and talk to her and try to teach her. We both sit there saying "can you say mama/dada?" fifty thousand times a day, and have been doing this since she was born.

But does she say mama or dada? Nope. She couldn't give less of a shit about us. It's her baba that earned first vocalization rights.

If she sees any kind of food, she loses her mind

Don't let Audrey see a prepared bottle until it's about to go into her mouth, because she will completely lose her shit. In fact, don't let her see an empty bottle either. Don't let her see the bottle she just finished drinking, because she will want it to magically be full and in her mouth again.

Don't let her see food that you are eating, because she will be jealous.

And especially don't let her see a jar of baby food.

It's kind of amazing, really, to think how quickly she learned what baby food jars are for. She always eats out of a little bowl, so it's not like we ever feed her from the jar. And most of the time, she eats homemade baby food that comes out of pouches. So how did she figure out that the little jars are full of food that is for her? I DON'T KNOW, BUT SHE DID.

The other day she saw a little jar of baby peas sitting on the counter, and she was like:

We're trying to teach her to crawl, and now that I think about it, we're going about it all wrong. Instead of trying to lure her with a toy she likes, we should toss a jar of baby food just out of reach. Kid'll be walking before the week is up.

You know you looked just like this last weekend.

The only time she cries is when she's hungry

Audrey doesn't really cry (except for the time her cousin went in for a hug and delivered a savage headbutt instead).

But if she's hungry? FORGET IT. Then there will be actual tears -- full face soaking wet "everyone I ever loved is dead" kind of crying. The depth of her sadness will touch you right in your feelings.

Not like this. This is bad acting.

Because it's been like three hours since she last put something into her stomach.

Good grief.

She almost outweighs her cousin

Audrey's cousin is a full year older than her. Every scrap of clothing that Audrey wears was inherited from her cousin.

But this free clothes gravy train is about to derail, because at the age of 7.5 months, Audrey now weighs just one pound less than her cousin, and is about to grow into the same size clothing.

F***.