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Thursday, June 26, 2014

A collection of first world problems that have plagued me of late

This has been a bit of a tough week for me. So many things have gone wrong. I demand loads of sympathy for my plight. Don't think I deserve sympathy? Well, I think you'll change your tune when you hear about all the struggles I've been facing recently:

-- I overheated my lunch the other day so it was so hot I couldn't safely eat it for several minutes. But I was very hungry, so I kept trying to take bites even though it was boiling lava hot, and it burned my mouth. By the time it was actually cool enough to eat, I had already eaten more than half of it and my mouth was like the zone of devastation after a volcanic eruption. Lunch was ruined.

It wasn't quite as bad as when this happened, but like ... almost.

-- While I was at Target shopping for baby shorts, I also picked up a 5-pack of shitty washcloths that I could use as sweat towels and general house rags. But when I got to the cashier, I realized that the pack I had picked up had no price tag on them. The cashier asked if I remembered how much they cost, and I shrugged and said "maybe five bucks?" and that's what the cashier charged me for them. Turns out they were actually $2.99 though. I shortchanged myself by two whole dollars.

$2 doesn't sound like much until you realize all the great stuff you could buy with it.

-- I was at hot yoga the other night, and as usual, they handed out iced towels at the end of class. That iced towel is the greatest thing in the entire world at that moment -- it is like getting a handy from an angel. An ice angel, when your body temperature is about as high as it's ever been. But on Tuesday night, my ice towel wasn't very icy. It was "cold" at best, and when I placed it on my boiling-hot body, it quickly warmed up to where it provided no relief at all. Like, why the f*** do I even get up in the morning.

-- Some crazy person is fixated on me and follows me around the Internet leaving rude comments on everything I do, like a toddler throwing tantrums for attention. It is mildly infuriating, like when you're trying to enjoy a nice garden party and a wasp keeps following you around everywhere.

"Just wanted to make sure you didn't get to have any fun today! Wheeee!"

-- I packed all my lunches for the week on Sunday, only to realize that I made them a little too small so they're not quite keeping me full. Does this mean I'm supposed to, like, rebuild each lunch with a little more food? That will take minutes. Do I look like someone who has minutes to spare every day? F*** no. So now I just have to top my belly up with Pop Tarts instead and those are unhealthy. Honestly, it's like God hates me and wants me to be fat.

Tee hee I like the S'mores Pop Tarts the best.

-- Flies keep coming into our house. It's summer now, and like most people around these parts, we don't have A/C, which means lots of open windows and open garage and so on. Well these big fat ugly black flies keep finding their way into the house, and then I have to hunt them down with the fly swatter. Sometimes it takes days to finally catch and kill the bastards. How do they not die of natural causes by then? And what are they doing in my house when I'm not home? Probably a bunch of weird shit that I wouldn't approve of.

"I mostly like to touch all your shit and use it without permission."

So as you can see, I've had a lot of setbacks this week. But I will soldier on, because I am strong enough and good enough and I'm worth it.

If you've also found this week to be a struggle, just know that I feel your pain and I know that together, we can pull through this. Buck up, buttercup. We got this.

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