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Tuesday, June 24, 2014

Things I cannot handle: Shorts for babies

As we all know, my baby is, ahem, not exactly slim. Alas, she has outgrown all her 9-month clothes and needed some new larger clothes, which necessitated a weekend trip to Target.

And I almost died in there (as did my credit card). Why, you ask? Because shorts for babies exist.

Let me try my best to explain why shorts for babies are so hysterical:

First off, they look funny even when they're just sitting on the shelf. Target had this whole giant display of their Circo brand shorts, in like a billion different colors. And they were on sale for buy one get one 50% off. So I stood there in front of this SHORTS BONANZA, knowing that they were a great price and I should purchase lots of them ... but they look like this:

The butt region is gigantic. They are high-waisted. They come in insane colors and patterns. And they have the bottoms sewn in a permanent folded-up state.

What I'm trying to say is, they look like grandma shorts.

I was even more enthralled by the jean shorts. Jorts for babies? STOP. IT.

Cherokee® Infant Toddler Girls' Jean Short - Blue 18 M

I was so excited when I saw these on the shelf, I actually made the most Momlike utterance ever in my entire life: "Wow Audrey! Look at these great jean shorts! I hope they have your size!"

I said this to her as she sat in the shopping cart playing with a teething ring. I said it loud enough for other people to hear. And even though Audrey is not quite 9 months old and doesn't talk or particularly know what's going on around her, I'm convinced that she knew enough to be embarrassed.

No one should ever get excited about jean shorts.

Things became even worse when I got all the new shorts home and started trying them on her. The jean shorts made Audrey look like a tourist. 

Literally this but with jean shorts.

And the other shorts? Well ... see for yourself.

Those shorts. THOSE SHORTS.

The whole thing reminds me of that American Dad episode where Roger goes to Ross Dress for Less to try on shorts, and they are universally unflattering because of his body shape. Babies = built like Roger the Alien.

If only a gypsy woman would give Audrey a pair of magic shorts to make her legs look long and muscular :-(

Sc033 0031

And I love it. If you have a baby, please buy it lots and lots of shorts. Babies look great in shorts. Promise.

And she's not fat, okay. She's just ... cultivating mass.

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